So you’re at a family function, in class or just simply walking down the street... next thing you've got a member on you the size of Vin Diesel’s forearm. Bad vibes. Here are a few of the worst places Spyro the Dragon can choose to make an appearance...
At a funeral
This is dark for a number of reasons. Firstly, you look like a bloody necrophilia enthusiast. Secondly, why in the name of God are you achieving horn in a church bro? If this seems like it could be a legitimate cause for concern, do the gentlemanly thing and batter your lizard before you leave the house.
Right before a college presentation
We've all been there. Just about to deliver a presentation on corporate social responsibility when you get a Dennis Rodman on you like the purple lad from Space Jam’s leg. This is disastrous. Pack in the presentation and head straight for the John.
The lads' showers
This is bleak. You've just played a round of badminton with the boys when Jason the Trouser Snake decides to come up for air. This could be detrimental to your rep among your peers. Try not to let this happen.
Advertisement
In the car with your Mum
If this happens, you're a freak.
In the car with your Dad
See previous point.
In the office
So you are balls deep in a spreadsheet or some shit. Next thing Christopher the Cyclops gets restless. You can risk choking the manatee at your desk and potentially losing your job... Or you can tuck him in the waistband and wait 'til Lieutenant John Rogers subsides before standing up. Either way, it’s a terrible place to be.
Advertisement
In the queue at McDonalds
This is awkward for so many reasons. If the smell of curly fries and McFlurry ice-cream gets you harder than Vinnie Jones, it might be best to steer clear of fast-food establishments for the foreseeable future.
When you’re waiting for a date
If she laughs, she’s a keeper.
Meeting your girlfriend’s parents
This is dark. Ultimately, you’re goosed. If this happens, gauge her mum's reaction - the outcome depends on your ability to read people. Best case scenario, you end up piping her mum under the kitchen table. Worst case scenario, you do five years for sexual assault.
Anywhere public
Realistically, this whole list is irrelevant, because if your one-eyed goblin pops up in pretty much any social scenario, you will be labelled a pervert until you are a decrepit octogenarian.
Rudolph’s Advice: Wank like a trooper. Have regular sex. Watch very extreme porn, so that you find it difficult to be aroused in everyday situations. Godspeed.
Know what looks good on a C.V.? Published work! If you’re interested in joining the College Times team, please email us ([email protected]). We’d love to hear from you!
