I’m a sucker for a teleshopping feature. Last month I bought two individual saunas and 5 Shamwows. Thanks to having the self-restraint of a 4 year old, I have fallen victim to a number of over marketed poorly thought out products that hinder on being health hazards. Here is a list of 5 fashion and make up products that seem like a good idea, but you should avoid!
The LED Bra
Advertised as a must for all busty festival go’ers, the LED bra is literally a light show on your titties. Complete with two inconspicuously hidden double A batteries; this little bustier will keep all eyes locked on your double D’s. While it will only set you back about 60 quid, having your tits pushed up to your nose with epileptic blinking lights looses its appeal very quickly, and if you’ve ever told a guy ‘hey my eyes are up here’ you’ll be punching yourself in the ovaries with this decision.
Stick on Eyeliner
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I don’t think a single product on the make up market had me more excited than these bad boys. Say goodbye to my Parkinson’s inspired grunge black lined holes and hello to the perfect sultry cat eye. Or so this little Asian gem had made me think. I can only assume the flaw arose because this product was invented by the Chinese who have, lets just say a little less room for error on their own canvases, but for us Caucasian doe eyed dolls over here, this product is a total flop. Not only does it pull your eyes like a Beverly Hills face-lift, it also refuses to come off! On a side note, these can double as stick on moustaches, Movember here I come!
Caviar Nail Polish
Again, looks cool- horrible mistake. So caviar nails are basically a 3d nail polish that incorporates little balls of metallic beauty onto your own polish to give the itchy effect of fungus growing from your cuticles. The worst part about these nails is they get caught on absolutely everything. God forbid you wear a fuzzy fleece jumper with one of these, by the end of the night you’re going to look like you were fingering a teddy bear.
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Deodorant wipes
Every once in a while, each of us skips a shower on a day we really shouldn’t. For me, this happens only too regularly and I have been forced to come up with creative solutions to showering that involve zero time commitment and can easily be executed on a public commute. I thought Halo deodorant wipes were the solution I was waiting for, the holy grail of whore baths, alas, these little klenex tissues have gained the name HOLO, for ‘hoes only live once’. Not only do these wipes do nothing to cover up your own musk, they actually add to it! What’s worse you have to keep the smelly nappies with you until you find a bin!
High Waisted Bathing Suits
We girls do everything we in our power to ensure a trip to the beach is least scarring experience possible. Thankfully, living in a country which is blessed with perhaps the mildest weather in the world, the occasion to show pony ourselves about in public is pleasantly close to nil. Alas, when a Malaga holiday is in the cards, searching out the perfect swim suit to cover all those late night Zaytoons is crucial. DO NOT LOOK TO THE HW BOTTOMS AS A SOLUTION. They are not your friend. They hide nothing and only draw attention to you hippo front butt with floral patterns. Ke$ha is a prime example of why not to opt for the high cut. Of course those girls with the bodies of a 14 year old boy can pull this look off, but lets be honest, what part of spandex granny pants screams 'do me now'?
