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9 Signs You're Going Out With A B*tch

It may not be clear to see at first, it may be lurking behind the smoke screens, it may only pop its little head up from time to time, but that alone is enough to plant the seed of doubt in your mind. You suspect that your girlfriend is a bitch. I'm here to assure you that if you, a man, think this, then it's 98% likely to be true. I hate to be the one to tell you, but someone has to. Just in case you want total reassurance, read on and discover if you really are going out with a bitch. We are all very sorry for your loss....

1) You're A Tad Scared Of Her

It's not that you're terrified of her exactly, more that you go out of your way to please her, because the fallout of not doing so is just not worth the hassle. She has no compassion, care, or love for anyone or anything but herself. You always sweat a little in restaurants as she's a total dick to the staff.  You've seen her get mad and you really do not want to anger it, I mean her, anytime soon. Bitches be cray.

2) Her Parents Congratulate You For Putting Up With Her

It's likely that you've only had to put up with your bitch of a girlfriend for a few years max, think of her poor parents. They've had to live with her for at least 18 years. They deserve a medal really when you think about it. So, in their eyes, you've now taken a large portion of the burden off them, you are now a new outlet for her bitchiness. Fair play. They'll probably pat you on the back and wave you off into the sunset, praying that it'll work out and she doesn't return to them any time soon.

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3) She Constantly Bitches About Her Own Friends

If this is the way she speaks about her so called friends, there isn't much hope for the rest of the population. You of course, being the hapless puppy dog, must sit there and take it all in, whether you give a shit or not (definitely not.) You should be ashamed of yourself, what other self respecting man would sit through three hours of Aislings love life dissection? A scared, desperate one, perhaps. Which is how everyone now sees you, by the way.

4) Her Friends Are Bitches

Being invited along to one of their girls nights out puts the absolute fear of god in you. It's a case of survival of the fittest among these bitches. You sit in the corner, sweat protruding from every pore known to man, praying that the nitpicking brigade won't turn on you next. You also have a sneaking suspicion that the minute you leave the room they'll start on verbally shredding you to pieces too. Why do you have such a sneaking suspicion? You can hear them...

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5) Dirty Looks Are Her Specialty

You learned early on in the relationship that walking around town with the bitch in question, is like a real-life version of Super Mario, but without the flying mushrooms or the faux Italians. How so? Well, she fires off so many dirty looks that she'd easily wipe out an entire village in level eight. Sunglasses and a downward stare are your essential survival tools when it comes to accompanying her. That and a total sense of shame.

6) She Has So Many Faces You've Lost Count

There are some mornings when you wake up and ponder which one you'll be greeted with today. Sound girl, mean girl, bitch girl, physco girl, or a sweet combination of all of the above, perhaps? That would be nice. Variety is the spice of life, after all.

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7) All Of Your Female Friends Are Terrified Of Her

She hates all of them. Every single one. At first she saw them as a threat, but over time she has eradicated that fear, by deeming them useless and not worthy of her attention. In her eyes they are lesser beings. This extends to your female cousins, college friends, school friends and perhaps your sisters too.

8) She Has No Remaining Old Friends

Most girls out there are still friends with at least some of their old school friends. Note I said most. The warning lights should be firmly flashing, especially if all of her current friends were made in the past two years. It likely means that she has fucked over every single one of her old friends. Despite what she says, there cannot be something wrong with every single one of them. She's the problem here.

9) She's Only Out For Number One

In her world, there's room for one person and one person only. If something isn't about her, then she won't be interested. You sit her down and try to tell her about your family problems or financial worries, but she'll likely sit through it by admiring herself in her pocket mirror, will proceed to Snapchat the shit out of it, or she'll inevitably try and turn the conversation back to her 'problems'. She'll ruin every group conversation by making it all about her, will probably forget your birthday, but would rip your hair out if you did the same, not that you EVER would.

So if you can spot at least two of the above qualities in your girlfriend, she's pretty much a bitch. Get out now man, for the love of God.

Alison Keogh
Article written by
Alison decided to follow a sensible career route and chose to study Media. She happens to think of herself as a kind of Irish Beyonce after four Coronas, which usually results in her being deserted on the dance-floor by her loving friends. Her horrifically short attention span seeps into many aspects of her life, resulting in her half hearing important facts and hating people who walk at a leisurely pace.