9 Weird Things We All Do After Sex

We all do weird things after sex. Whether it’s cuddling, farting or smoking a massive Jimmy, we all have a post-sex ritual. I'm well aware that your behaviour after sex is massively dependent on the person you've just had sex with. Obviously, when there is an emotional connection, sex is much more enjoyable. After you have sex with someone you like, you tend to cuddle and all that shit. But when you've just ridden a dirt merchant you brought home from McDonalds, there’s only one thing on your mind: get the fuck out of there.

So you've blown your load. Now what? Here's a list of the things we do after having sex:

  • Have a smoke

I don’t smoke, but if every sex scene in every movie ever is anything to go by, people enjoy cigarettes after sex. As well as this, it makes you look slick as fuck.

  • Shower


This is pretty self-explanatory. You’re covered in sweat. Chances are, you’re hungover as fuck. You need a shower bro. Do it.

  • Do it again

This is for sexual partners whose company you actually enjoy. You’ve hit that shit once. You've had your little rest. Dennis the Menace has arisen from his momentary slumber. Round Two - ding ding ding.

  • Find a towel


So let's face it, this is fucking disgusting, but we all do it. Towels have many functions as an after-sex tool. Also, please wash the towel afterwards you dirtbag.

  • Text all your mates

This is aimed at the younger members of the audience. So you've finally gotten the ride? Better tell all your mates. Realistically, in a few years time, you’ll realize you look like a complete loser for doing this, so try not to let the girl you just shagged find out.

  • Cuddle


This is exclusive to couples who actually like each other. When you’re in love, there’s nothing better than snuggling and cuddling like there’s no tomorrow. Disagree? Fight me.

  • Get food/drink

I don't know about you, but I tend to be horrendously hungry and parched after a good sex session. These two are most definitely worthy of this list.

  • Listen to G-Unit


So you’re laying there beside your lover/ worst nightmare. You’re feeling lost, confused and sweaty. Next thing, Tony Yayo, Lloyd Banks and all the boys start to tear the roof off. Remember, when it comes to sex, if in doubt, listen to G-Unit.

  • Get the fuck out of there

This is a one-night-stand thing. Trust me, if you employ this tactic with your girlfriend, the relationship will be over before you can say ‘premature ejaculation’. We all know the feeling: you've done the deed, you instantly regret it, it’s time the get the fuck out of there.

So there you have it.  The definitive list of shit we all do and say after a sexual encounter. There are certainly other things we haven't included. But you can keep your weird habits to yourself, freak.

Have a bloody great day!

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Rudolph Brotherton
Article written by
Rudolph is an under-achieving, morally defunct, self-professed ladies man. His hobbies include sex, pugs and rock ‘n’ roll. He makes Johnny Bravo look like Postman Pat. He is the real deal. The original Heartbreak Kid. Looking to improve your game with the ladies? Listen very carefully...
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