Expectations Vs Reality: Sex On The Beach

"I wanna have sex on the beach, come on everybody. Sex on the beach!' We all know the song! Having sex on the beach is just one of those fantasies. There's even a drink named after it because it sounds so out there, you have a little giggle each time you order it! But is it all it's cracked up to be?

1. Expectation: You Have Just Met The Love of Your Life

Javier is the epitome of a real man.

Reality: His Name is Conor and He's From Cork

I suppose you could pretend his accent is exotic?

2. Expectation: We Haven't Even Noticed that We've Talked All Night. The Sun is Just Rising!

Javier is so romantic, this is the most magical night of my life.

Reality: I am So F*cking Locked and Horny

If we don't have sex right now I may pass out. Fuck trying to get back to the hotel.

3. Expectation: This is Everything I Imagined

I feel like I'm on the softest sand in the world.

Reality: There is so Much F*cking Sand in my Arse Crack

It is seriously chaffing. We would go to a coral beach wouldn't we.

4. Expectation: Clearly You're On Holidays

You're obviously going to be in a picturesque fishing village in Spain or Greece. Like a modern day Shirley Valentine!

Reality: It's Either Magaluf or Salthill

The only fish you saw was the battered one you inhaled earlier like the lady you are. Let us huddle for warmth.

5. Expectation: Because Javier is Local he Knows a Secluded Little Paradise Where No one Can Bother You

It's like your dreams come true.

Reality: There is No Secluded Spot...

All you can see is the burning ember of a cigarette as the creepy Spanish man in the distance watches you get down and jiggy.

6. Expectation: Javier just Slips on The Condom without you Even Noticing

The practical side of the no pants dance just happens. Nothing gets between this romantic spectacle.

Reality: How Do I Ask For The Morning After Pill in Spanish?

This dagger type coral probably poked a massive hole through the packet anyway.

7. Expectation: The Gentle Warm Breeze Makes this Even Hotter

I feel like I'm wrapped in a warm cloud.

Reality: I'm So Cold My Nipples Are About To Fall Off

If my teeth chatter anymore, they may chip.

8. Expectation: You Will Leave this Encounter with a Sun-kissed Glow and a Smile On Your Face

Even if you never see Javier again, you had something special. You can't believe you just did that. YO to the ultimate LO!

Reality: The Walk of Shame is So Much Worse When You're Dripping Wet

I just need to get home. Stare at the ground and walk. Where the f*ck is the hotel again?

9. Expectation: No Man Will Ever Live Up To Javier

When I'm fifty, I'll still think of that fine specimen of a man.

Reality: How Much is an STI Check?

Oh I'll remember him alright...

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