Jealousy: Invasion Of The Green-Eyed Monster

So you've fallen in love. Or at least, you’re infatuated with someone who supposedly feels the same. Everything seems to be going smoother than Gavin Henson’s calves circa 2004. You laugh at each other’s idiotic, half-witted jokes. You spend your time riding, eating and riding some more. You’re in love, right? Well, unfortunately, the honeymoon phase is shorter than *insert short joke here*. You "no longer feel you have to be James Dean." You've dropped the act. Will they like the real you? Insecurities have started to surface. You have caught a bad case of feelings for this person. But socially fueled trust issues have become an overwhelming factor in your formerly fairy-tale romance.

Relationship advice 101: If you find yourself looking through your partners phone or Facebook mails trying to find shit you don’t want to see;  you may as well pack in the relationship because it’s not going to work. Ladles and Gravy-men I am talking, of course, about Jealousy. In many cases jealousy is a projection of your own insecurity. People who've cheated before are much more jealous than those who haven’t. It’s a scientific fact bro. Trust me, I got a C in Physics.

No but seriously; here is a list of points that will let you know when it’s time to get the fuck out:

You go through each other’s phones

This one baffles me. What are you looking for? You’re essentially seeking to verify your deepest insecurity. So what if you sent a fat bird from Tinder a dick-pic ten months before you started seeing your other half. On the other hand it’s not fair for you (the man), to freak the fuck out if a random lad pokes your bird on Facebook. Relationships should be based on trust. If you are all too familiar with this situation it might be time to check yourself before you wreck yourself. Yeah, cop on.

You are in constant contact if one of you is on a night out

If the thought of your partner going to a night club terrifies you then you might have a bad dose of Jealous Weirdo Syndrome. But, to your credit, there is that awful patch in most relationships where there is an element of uncertainty. Unless you want to freak them out majorly; the best thing to do if they are out with friends is to send them a 'Have a great night! x' text and nothing more. Even if it means you are sitting up all night wondering if she’s polishing lads off left right and center in the jacks in her local night club. Realistically she probably isn't noshing pipe behind your back. On the off chance that she is however, she is a slag and you don’t need her anyway.


You flip the lid if they talk to someone of the opposite sex

I know couples with whom this is an actual issue. It’s hard to believe right? In the case of the man- it’s a fundamental, alpha-male thing. He wants to assert his dominance. It is the same sort of thing for the girl too. It is unhealthy to want your partner exclusively to yourself. If you are out together and she bumps into a friend who happens to be a guy- you will look infinitely cooler if you smile, shake his hand firmly and be polite (no matter how much of a d-bag he is). However, if you literally cannot text a girl in your course to find out when an assignment is due without your girlfriend going into bloody orbit; it’s probably not a good sign.

 You’re constantly wondering if they are being loyal

So your girlfriend has a bad rep? She gave a lad a Weird Al Yankovich behind the shed at a junior disco when she was seventeen? Literally no one cares. The only people who do care are you, and this imaginary audience in your head who critique your every move. Be honest. If she does cheat on you, what's the worst that can happen?  I’ll tell you. She will look like a *insert word of choice* (I'm not allowed say slut) and you might look like a mug for a few days. Trust me, she will look worse. Switch roles now. You find out your boyfriend has shagged a bird with a face on her like a burst couch. What do you do? Ignore him. If he did it once then he will more than likely do it again. There are plenty of solid blokes out there who will treat you right and give your box a good seeing to.

Rudolph’s Advice:

Relax. Don’t be so quick to jump to conclusions. Just because she text you back a minute later than she normally does doesn't mean that she is mid-orgy with a bunch of black rappers. Worst case scenario; you get cheated on. Move on. They look worse. It’s an excuse to lay waste to a fuck-tonne of pussy/pipe.

Go in peace to love and serve the lord. Amen.

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Rudolph Brotherton
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Rudolph is an under-achieving, morally defunct, self-professed ladies man. His hobbies include sex, pugs and rock ‘n’ roll. He makes Johnny Bravo look like Postman Pat. He is the real deal. The original Heartbreak Kid. Looking to improve your game with the ladies? Listen very carefully...
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