The single life can get way too comfortable.
1. Table for one please..
Okay so you don't go as far as to dine alone, but when there's a get together you're sure to be looked at with sympathetic faces as all your friends are bringing their other halves while you just sit there creating odd numbers at the table.
2. When empowering single people songs come on and you realize you're the only one dancing.
Back in the day, all the girls got down to 'Survivor' and ' Single Ladies' cause y'all were super independent and didn't need no man. But now they're all eskimo kissing the man that they do apparently need in the corner while you're passionately waving you're left hand in the air to a Beyoncé classic. Alone.
3. The couch cushion is your big spoon.
Because of the lack of trusted single friends to go out with , Saturday nights became something of a Bridget Jones re-enactment; a tub of Ben and Jerry's and half a tube of Pringles later. You feel all squishy inside watching the Notebook and love sharing this moment with... the couch. You're sharing this moment with the couch. *Casually switches to non-romantic show to forget severe singledom*
4. You become obsessed with your friends' love lives.
Seeing as you have little or nothing going on in the relationship side of things, you are fascinated by the details of a friends date or texting conversation with her latest beau.
5. Flirting is a foreign sport.
Flirting just isn't in your vocabulary. You try the batting your eyelids thing and playing with your hair façade but end up looking like you have an uncontrollable twitch and an unnerving obsession with split ends. Flirting for you results in with an embarrassed flushed face and a stammering exit from the conversation.
6. Couples make you angry.
They constantly have a doting status' on Facebook appreciating the beautiful Valentines presents they exchanged or where they went for their anniversary dinner. The use love heart emoticons as if they're going out of fashion and check in when they're having a 'cosy night in'. WHO THE FUCK CARES?! Deep breaths required.
7. You take your role as third wheel very seriously.
One of the girls asks you come along on a day out with the boyfriend. You all have a great time until you invite yourself shopping at the weekend and offer to provide the DVD's for their cosy night in. It all starts to get too much when you ask if her boyfriend can bump July's wedding invite to a 'plus two' so you can go too. You then start to hear less from this friend and can't understand why...
8. Date? What's a date?
You've been out of the game so long that you didn't know Wednesday was date night and cinema tickets are two for one. You also forgot that shaving your legs should be a weekly thing and raised eyebrows of concern from your friends in your running shorts should be taken as a strong hint to pull yourself together and whip out the Veet.
9. You no longer have use for certain plurals.
'We' is French for 'Yes' and 'Us' is an abbreviation for the United States. There are no other photo possibilities other than a Selfie and the only 'relationship' you are aware of is the deep and meaningful love you share with your pet turtle, Herb.
10. You accept that you will die alone.
You have reached the stage of acceptance that no one (except maybe yourself) wants to be with you and you will in fact be single forever. Go ahead and book the hotel and order a cake for a Sue Sylvester style wedding for that happily ever after.