Why Outdoor Sex Is Never A Good Idea...

I get it. You’re outdoors with your girlfriend and you get the urge to make sweet, sweet love. You can’t wait to get home... so you hop the fence and do it behind an old shed. Was it good? It probably wasn’t. Here are a few reasons why outdoor sex is never a good idea...

  • Forest

I feel like a fucking freak even using this as an example. Although I know a few couples who are mad into their forest sex. Here's why it’s not enjoyable: you get leaves and shit all over your back, forests are ideal hangout spots for bad guys... and squirrels be watchin.

  • Festival

Cameras + Social Media + Sex = really, really bad idea.

  • Alley

I can see how it would happen. You’re ridiculously shitfaced and you both want your bit right now. That bin down the alley looks like a good idea, right? Security cameras, rats and other scary shit like the Babadook all reside in alleys. As well as this, there's the very real possibility of getting snapped on camera and going viral.

  • Beach

Popular movie culture has both glorified and romanticised this notion. However, real life beach sex is not all it’s cracked up to be (my second cousin told me so). You get sand everywhere and there are seagulls and shit - it’s just not a good call.

  • Park

When I think of the word 'park', I think of a family-friendly, happy and joyous place. I don’t want that idea to be destroyed by two college students doing the dirty under a bloody slide. Keep parks sex-free.

  • Car

So it’s not technically outside, but fuck it. Believe it or not, I have had sex in a car. Well, I saw it in Titanic. Numerous reports deem it to be uncomfortable. Also, people might see you. Throw her up on the bonnet and you’re good to go.

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Rudolph Brotherton
Article written by
Rudolph is an under-achieving, morally defunct, self-professed ladies man. His hobbies include sex, pugs and rock ‘n’ roll. He makes Johnny Bravo look like Postman Pat. He is the real deal. The original Heartbreak Kid. Looking to improve your game with the ladies? Listen very carefully...
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