So you're new in college and you've snagged yourself a girlfriend. Well done! But you've made a grave mistake. The college years are the best of your life and you've just tied an emotionally unstable ball and chain around your ankle!
Here are a few reasons why you absolutely should not have a girlfriend in college!
1. Less sex with random girls
O.K so if you have a girlfriend then you're obviously going to be having good sex very regularly. Nothing wrong with that. But college is like a sweet shop of opportunities. Why chew on the same Twizzler when you can sample all of the delights around you?
I mean yes, you like the Twizzler, but you'll never get to taste Sour Gobstoppers! And you've always wanted to try out Nerds and Gummy Bears at the same time! The metaphor has perhaps run its course now but if you end up breaking up after college and you didn't get to tap any campus strange you're gonna be fucking pissed!
2. Less shenanigans
Shenanigans are great. Everyone loves shenanigans. Why cut out your fun and downright crazy shenanigans with the boys to stay in with a girlfriend? You have your whole life after college for those shenanigans. Those are terrible shenanigans anyway!
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3. Less incentive to make friends
You'll find yourself indulging in morning sex and days in spent in bed watching Game of Thrones with the missus. Those days can be great but when you've broken up and you hate her fucking guts you'll regret not spending more time playing beer pong, getting wasted and making memories that should* last a lifetime.
*They usually fade by the next morning, but you know what I mean.
4. You'll have waaay more money
So you're a student. You're broke anyway. Why do you need a vacuum-like black hole sucking what little money you have away? The short answer is you don't! The world looks at you as an adult now you're in college so society says you pay for the dates, movies, pre-drinks etc. Well, fuck the majority and fuck the girlfriend (figuratively). Take that hard earned, parent given money and hit the tiles! You've earned it!
5. Run the risk of getting stuck in a rut
You hear it all the time; I met my husband/wife when we were 17 and we were 15 years married last July. Fuck. That.
It's understandable though. When you're in a college relationship that has gone for more than a year you have a tendency to believe that things won't change. You've grown comfortable, you have a routine. Once again. Fuck. That.
College is when you go out and party. You'll never have the opportunity to meet and bang so many girls again so unless you're deeply in love you need to get out there and play the field.
6. Your grades will suffer
OK, so it's college and your grades are going to suffer no matter what. Add a girlfriend into the mix and you'd be better with a degree printed on crackers than the one you'll get. You want to spend all of your time together so when you have work to do she'll be bugging you to spend time with her. Unless your a paradigm of society, successfully juggling a part-time job with college and a girlfriend (and let's face it, you aren't) then having a girlfriend is only going to mess with your results.
7. Wasting the college experience!
People say college is the best time of your life for a reason. You think all of those people are lying? The people who don't agree with them have probably had a college relationship sucking their soul into the abyss!
Being in a college relationship honestly stifles the college experience. If you can't go out because you have to show up to some dodgy family dinner or you're staying in to cook together and watch a film, you're genuinely cheating yourself out of the college lifestyle! You have the rest of your life to do all of that bullshit and you'll hate yourself for starting so early!
8. You have to deal with various emotional crises
"I've put on so much weight this week!" "I'm such a disappointment to my father!"
These are just two examples of a weekly crisis for which you are the solution. Having a girlfriend is psychological warfare. You're stretched thin enough with assignments and hangovers and you definitely don't want to be dealing with this madness on a daily basis.
9. No looking!
Every college in the world has amazingly hot women. I think that might be a rule. When the new first years/sophomores appear, male heads will be on a pivot. An epidemic of neck cranes and 90° head twists will arise and it takes a better man than I to keep wandering eyes fixed ahead. When you have a girlfriend even a quick glance will get you in trouble. I mean, she's asking you to deny the use of peripheral vision! Eventually, you will get hit by a car or fall down a manhole. Why take the risk? For your own safety, ditch her!
10. Sex skills will suffer
There are two ways of looking at this. You're having regular sex and because it's your girlfriend it should be fairly good. Practice makes perfect yes, but variety is the spice of life! Awful cliches aside, you may have developed a style that works for your girlfriend, and because it consistently worked you've become stuck in your ways. Well, not all girls are the same and it will be much easier to hone your talents when you can gauge the response of a handful of sexual conquests.