I am a very attractive man. There's no point in being modest or humble, it's just the truth. And as you might imagine, I am only attracted to women who are just as good looking. Basically, I'm a 10, so if a woman is anything less than a 9.5 she may as well just not bother talking to me. But for me, the attractiveness of a woman is not just about looks, I'm a man of integrity after all. So if you think you might a suitable match for me, here is a list of some of the things that I find unattractive, just to help you change anything about yourself that you need to before trying to chat me up. Because of course I am one of the few guys who gets chatted up by girls, not the other way around.
You will not be attractive to me if you:
Didn't Go To Trinity College
Trinity is the only college that matters in Ireland, let alone Dublin, so if you went to one of the other colleges, please don't talk to me. And that goes double for anyone who went to a public secondary school.
Think Nando's Is Over-Rated
There is nothing better than a cheeky Nando's after a night out, and you if you don't check yourself in, tweet about it and put a picture on your Instagram then frankly I don' know what you're doing with your life.
Are Under 5'5" Or Over 5'7"
I don't think it's unreasonable at all to expect a girl to be this height, because it means that she's not too short standing beside me without heels, while still being shorter than me when she does.
Have Never Been To America
What do you mean you can't afford it?
Have Ever Been To Magaluf
Expect Me To Go Down On You
If being in my presence doesn't turn you on enough without requiring me to get you wet, then you clearly don't appreciate just how good looking I am, and you simply don't deserve me.
Have Weird Knees
I don't really know how to explain it, but I know them when I see them.
Don't Have An iPhone
I don't even know the names of any other kind of phone.
Don't Have Your Own Car
You expect me to drive you everywhere? What if I'm drinking with the boys and need someone to pick me up at 4am? You expect me to get a taxi? What?!
Have Any Hair On Your Body Below Your Neck
Under no circumstances should I come across any hair on your body at any time, even if it's during the winter when women seem to think it's okay not to shave as often because they aren't wearing short dresses.
Have Younger Siblings
I'm not a particularly big fan of kids that I'm related to, so you can only imagine how I feel about those that aren't.
Expect Me To Spend Money On You
You women are always giving out about how you want society to treat you the same as men. I'm actually doing you a favour by not buying you anything. Go Feminism!
Reading is so ten years ago. You can watch tv shows and movies on tablets and phones, why would ever read a book?
Don't Like Threesomes (The Good Kind)
And just because you're not around shouldn't stop me still having one and finding a substitute for you.
Don't Have A Tan
Tanning beds are great to keep the tan topped between my holidays to Italy every 3 months, and I'd expect you to feel the same way about them. I'm not going to be seen in public with a ghost.
Have Ever Had Braces
If you don't have naturally straight teeth then there's something wrong with your genes or something.
I like going out for dinner as much as the next person, but some days I will be tired and would just prefer a nice, quiet meal at home. Rack of lamb would be a personal favourite. Take that down.
Are Smaller Than A C-Cup And Bigger Than A D-Cup
And as far as I'm concerned, padded bras should be illegal. That's just false advertising.
Have Big Nipples
Boobs should be big, nipples shouldn't. There a huge turn-off in the bedroom. I think you can get surgery to make them smaller though so all hope is not lost!
Don't Like Being Called "Sugar Tits"
If I ever call you this it means I like you. It's a compliment for God's sake!
Spit Rather Than Swallow