Only a few more weeks until we are all staring into the maw of another year at university. You've probably sunbathed in Split, been langered at Longitude and worked enough hours to treat yourself to whatever frivolous whim you desire. This is all about to change, babycakes, because you're nearly back to reality.
To get you ready, we've put together a list of the worst things about being back in college:
It's okay to audibly groan. You may be one of the lucky ones who just does it all online, handy as. Or you're one of the students left queuing in the student records hall for however long it takes for Brenda to stamp ten bloody forms. If you're a grant student, you might go through the whole fucking process twice.
2) Using Your Money On Not Fun Things:
It hurts to hand over hundreds of euro for stupid shit like having a bed to sleep in, textbooks, pens or renewing Microsoft Word. Only a month ago, this was Dominos money, goddammit!
3) Having To Get Used To Your College Mates Not Knowing Your Home Mates:
Telling Summer stories is so hard when Michael and Spud have no idea who Claire and John are. The worst part is that they don't even care. Sorry to smash any dreams but it is literally impossible to merge your college friends and your home friends.
4) Getting Your Timetable And Having Two Back-To-Back Lectures Miles Away From Each Other:
Shout out to all the Maynooth honeys for this one: when you have one lecture on the far side of North Campus and the next is the far side of South Campus. Yeah, you technically have time if nobody ever gets in your way and you're okay with standing for an hour. God forbid you need to pee between lectures.
5) Having The Dortiest Pre-Drinking Spots:
No more of people's parents' sparkling clean kitchen tables with lots of ice all the time and kitchen roll to mop up any messes. Back to pre-drinking in a sitting room on a couch that feels like it's made of bin bags, with a bike against your leg and your arse on seven old pizza boxes. Why is the table so sticky?!
6) Drinking The Dortiest Drinks:
You're gonna go from drinking with real brand mixers and treating yourself to Absolut to supping on whatever was the cheapest in Lidl. Is there a reason that off-brand orange dilute makes your throat scratchy? To be honest, that could be the nail-polish-remover-quality spirits.
7) Having To Listen To Mature Students And Their Ridiculous Questions:
We're not ageist by any standard but mature students are the bane of all lectures. They wait until the lecturer is just about to let you go five minutes early and then they raise their hand and say "sorry, very good lecture, I found it very interesting... what's a Moodle?". Neither the time nor the place.
Commuters really get the worst hand in university. They get fuck all grant money, all modes of transport are ludicrously expensive and they have to sit on a giant metal box jammers with smelly people who don't brush their teeth. Ew. And that's if the bus comes on time or COMES AT ALL, DUBLIN BUS/BUS ÉIREANN!
9) Pure Notions Fashion:
You think you've seen all the mad trends, like the Topshop plastic knee insert jeans, but you will soon realise you haven't. Watch out for the hipsters wearing lots of shite they bought in the St. Vincent De Paul like they're poor and pairing it with an €85 Fjallraven bag. Yeah, we see you.
10) Having To Meet Deadlines:
What do you mean this essay has to be done in two weeks time? That's limiting my creative process and I won't stand for it. It's a tough process going from just chillaxing to suddenly needing this done for then, and that done for now and oh no, you have to ask for an extension.
11) Getting Stuck With A Shite Elective Or Tutorial:
How are you expected to grab a time slot for the tutorial you want when the site opens online when you're in a lecture? Ehm, hello, upgrade y'all's slow ass wi-fi or find a better solution.
12) Encroaching Exam Resits:
This isn't true of everyone, but some universities do their resits in December. Wehhh. So on top of studying for this year, you're studying for last year too.
13) Going From Gourmet To "No Way":
You've gotten so used to Eddie Rocket's and Chopped and your mammy's delicious Sunday roast that returning to plain spuds and and egg will be so hard. Daily menu: egg, rice cakes, pot noodles, rice cakes, chocolate.
When university life gets you down, just remind yourself that it's going to be so worth it in four years time when you're unemployed because you need a Masters.