If you are standing up please sit down, if there is no available seating near you please hunker, if hunkering proves impossible then please take hold of, and secure a firm purchase on, whatever steady stable surface is to hand, for we have profound news to impart to you. Two people, two humans from Love Island, have decided to grace our shores, to fleetingly call Dublin their home for one day.
Adam Collard, the man who - if you are to believe that he hasn't cooked the books on what he's said regarding the notches on his headboard - mathematically has apparently slept with an average of one new girl a week, every week, since he was 18, and Zara McDermott, his post Love Island strategic brand partner, or 'girlfriend' as they'd have you believe, are here, here in Dublin.
After their stint on Love Island – essentially a prison island like Alcatraz but where you're more likely to have someone sinisterly hit on you in the showers – they are naturally seeking to eke out every last media opportunity available to them as the momentum of their stardom precipitously diminishes. Like large, artificially tanned moths, waxed-free of any residual body hair, they have been drawn across the Irish sea to the flame of a promised media appearance on TV3's Ireland AM.
They were appearing on Ireland AM to talk about their time in the villa and how it has impacted their lives since they've left – which are presumably largely the same but they now have to allocate more time to making sponsored Instagram posts about various protein supplements you can only buy online and promotional discount codes for local gyms. But this was not their sole reason for gracing these shores, not by a long stretch.
While sponsored social media posts and appearances on traditional broadcast media may seem like the new daily fare for an ex-Love Islander, that is not their true fuel, their bread and butter. Their true life-blood now is in making paid 'appearances' in various clubs throughout the British Isles. As part of their itinerary as the common man's answer to Harry and Meghan Markle's visit, they were in The Odeon Bar to mark the launch of Love Island Australia, because after all what better way to celebrate an Australian tv show than having a morning screening in an Irish club fronted by two British celebrities.
— ODEON (@ODEONDublin) July 20, 2018
Their arrival is sweet, it is to be celebrated. They will presumably be about Dublin for the day, personally I'm hoping for an awkward staged photograph to emerge of the two of them standing bemusedly by the Book of Kells at some point.