I'm going to start off by saying I love Riverdale. I'm going to be bashing it here, but I really do think it's great. It is just non-stop entertainment. Most of the entertainment comes from the fact that it is gloriously, wonderfully terrible. This is my tribute to a show which is the absolute definition of "so bad its good". For those of you watching, there will be spoilers in this piece, so consider this your warning.
This is the big problem with Riverdale. Honestly, have the writers of this show heard how real people talk? One of the most iconic examples of this Jughead telling Betty how weird he is.
"In case you haven’t noticed, I’m weird. I’m a weirdo. I don’t fit in. And I don’t want to fit in. Have you ever seen me without this stupid hat on? That’s weird."
Come on now. If this kind of rubbish makes it onto a Netflix show we're all being done out of a job. Send in those monkeys that Mr Burns had writing Shakespeare on The Simpsons, they'd do it better. Think about how many people would've had to approve that piece of writing. Ridiculous.
Daddy Issues Veronica's lines are the worst of it. Everything she says sounds like a bad fantasy writer trying to do dialogue for a strong female character. It just turns out cringey, like bad fan fiction for Daenerys Targaryen.
"Word of my exploits serving Nick his comeuppance has seeped into the demimonde of mobsters and molls my father used to associate with, so the five families are sending their youngest and brightest their "princes," as it were to, well, come court the rare Mafia Princess who can belly up to the bar with the big boys. What do you mean, "Court"? Thanks to my play, the families are looking to make a business and/or political alliances with my parents. It's all very Borgia-Medici."
“I’ve been percolating on an idea, hellishly simple in its conception”
Who knows. Someone on Reddit came up with this helpful formula for writing Veronica's dialogue
"Blah blah [Insert Rich Girl Phrase] blah blah [Random French Word] blah blah [Insert Fashion Label Name] blah blah [Rich Girl Phrase] blah blah [Random French Word] blah blah, Archiekins."
Has anyone ever said the word "Daddykins" outside this show? I highly doubt it. It's just weird.
The three seasons have had a very logical pathway. Season 1: teen drama; season 2: mafia teen drama; season 3: supernatural cult teen drama. It makes perfect sense when you throw in the serial killer in season 2 too. There's a bang of "lads, what are we gonna do with season two, I didn't think we would get renewed" off it.
Season 2 can drag a bit if you're not into the whole mafia thing, but season 3 is great fun. All sense and logic is totally gone out the window, and Riverdale is being terrorised by the 'Gargoyle King'. The Gargoyle King is a lad going around in a skull, and with a whole lot of branches stuck to his back. Great laugh altogether. This fella also has a crowd of people worshipping him for some reason. As I said, we're not really dealing with logic anymore. Just strap in and enjoy the madness
Some of the plot points are just plain weird
Best way to deal with this is probably just a list so here we go
- Betty stripping to Mad World in front of a crowd of auld bikers
- Cheryl sending Josie a pig's heart
- Archie's love affair with his teacher
- Incest-y vibes of Cheryl and her brother
- Betty going 'Dark Betty' for the camgirl thing
- Out of place cheerleading scenes
- The musical episodes. Why.
- The organ harvesting ring
- The whole 'Farm' subplot to be totally honest
- The Dungeons and Dragons knockoff becoming a cult
- The drug being called Jingle-Jangle
In a way, Riverdale has the opposite problem to the final season of Game of Thrones. While GOT felt a bit squashed, as it was just six episodes, Riverdale struggles to drag out its story over a massive 22 episodes. Take season 2, we spent the whole thing waiting to find out who the 'Black Hood' serial killer was. A fake Black Hood appeared halfway through the season, then a few episodes later the real one was revealed, then there was another fake, just to really stir the pot.
Riverdale, as a whole, is odd. Writers who seemingly who have never experienced actual human interaction, along with actors who look around 28 playing 16 year olds make it unusual. The show is complete rubbish, but it is the most gloriously brilliant rubbish you'll ever watch. We have season 4 coming too. The madness goes on, and I for one cannot wait to see how they top this season.