Having performed a snap survey round the office, I was astounded by how few of my, soon-to-be-former, colleagues were unaware of, not only the work of The Supervet, but the very existence of the man himself. As such, before we tuck into the thick, nourishing flesh of the main body of this article, let me first briefly explain the phenomenon of The Supervet.
Noel Fitzpatrick, The Supervet, is much like any other vet really, in that he admirably endeavours to save the lives of animals through a various mixture of therapies, medications and surgeries. Unlike other vets however, his ventures are broadcast on terrestrial television, inexplicably, at dinner-time. There are few sights in this world more certain to put somebody off finishing their mashed potatoes than having to view in-depth footage of a corgi having its stomach pumped to retrieve a small bundle of socks it accidentally ate. He is single-handedly responsible for ensuring the ongoing existence of a countless number of animals that natural selection tried its damndest to put an end to.
Noel Fitzpatrick himself is a very softly spoken, seemingly genuine and incredibly kind figure. Yet, much like Clark Kent's transformation into Superman, when Noel Fitzpatrick dons his scrubs to become Supervet a fundamental change occurs. Once be-scrubbed,, it is only a matter of seconds before he's to be found nose-deep in an operating theatre, fashioning from K'nex a new leg for a tabby cat that had been hit by a Subaru. He becomes a cross between a vet and a sort of medically-obsessed MacGyver.
All that is to say that his immense popularity has garnered him a book deal which has bizarrely also led to an arena tour. As part of this, he was performing in Dublin's 3Arena last night. What on earth could constitute the stage show of a veterinary surgeon, regardless of likeability and popularity, I have no idea. Perhaps he performed open-heart surgery on a poorly labrador, with the proceedings projected on massive screens around the auditorium. Perhaps it more so took on the tone of a sort of Messianic gathering, where people brought forth their ill animals for The Supervet to lay on his healing hands to cure them of their ills - maybe the room was full of cautiously hopeful animal-lovers leading ill horses toward the stage hoping for Noel Fitzpatrick to cure them. It would be entirely possible, given that the show occurred last night, to find out what it actually comprised - however I prefer remaining in the realm of errant speculation around such a seemingly bizarre occasion.
Earlier in the day however, Noel Fitzpatrick uploaded an astounding video to his Twitter. While traveling around Dublin conducting publicity interviews he reportedly, while traveling near Dublin's Grand Canal, crossed paths with a poorly swan. The first half of the video documents Noel Fitzpatrick chasing the large water-fowl around the street of Dublin, attempting to wrest the beast under his control. The second half shows him, swan swaddled in his blazer and clutched under-arm, thundering toward a canal to release the evidently confused bird back into the waters.
On route to the next interview in Dublin this afternoon and we came across this poor confused fella who was stuck in the middle of the main road. Having experienced many Swan rescues down the years I knew I could help... mission accomplished...now happy and safe at home x pic.twitter.com/wXoOIk8JKP
— Noel Fitzpatrick (@ProfNoelFitz) November 6, 2018
Given the fact that the swan seems entirely fine when thrown back into the water, it begs the question whether it really needed rescuing in the first place. I posit that this is all a ruse to further build The Supervet's reputation as some sort of benevolent do-gooding figure. The undoubtedly perfectly healthy swan could evidently have only been under the employ of Noel Fitzpatrick to feign injury or illness and paid off in whatever is the currency prized by swans - Euros? Dollars? Yen? A structured investment scheme in shares in a multinational? A series of complex and elaborate sexual favours, performed by one of The Supervet's underlings? Again, I am hazy on these details but feel that, even without concrete information, or any legitimate proof of a transaction having occurred between the two, these hunches are to be trusted.