The 10 Types Of People You Meet On Public Transport

Firstly... Ew. Public transport. Just ew. I mean look at the words...take away the letter 'L'?...Pubic. Drop a 'T', then add an 'N'?...Pubic trans-porn... I don't think thats a coincidence, do you? I mean, I've seen more pubes on buses than in my own shower.

It's just TOO public. I mean y'know? Stuck into reeking armpits, leaning as far away from the crazy person scratching themselves beside you... I don't want that. I want a private limousine with chauffeur if I'm being honest. But I'm a realist. The limousine only becomes affordable to me three years into my ten year plan. Until then I, along with the rest of you have to put up with the weird and horrible people you encounter on 'pubic trans-porn' (or whatever).

1. The Sweaty-Guy.

Listen, guy. You sweaty. We know that you're sweaty. We see the dribbly patches all over your shirt. You know you're sweaty, presumably because it's your glands producing the sweat. Just wear something black. That way, when the bus jerks and my poor, innocent face squelches into your puddle pit, I can't openly see any sweat. And then trick myself into believing it never happened. Thanks Bro!

2. The Un-Kempt Crazy Guy Who Talks To Himself About Crazy Stuff.

There was this one guy on a bus I used to take. And he was really interesting, right? And he started talking about the Royal family, k? And it was really interesting... He was saying about how much they control the world still, and I was all "Wow! Thats crazy fucked up, dude" And then he start saying how they were actual two-legged walking lizards, and asked me for my number, and then I left the bus at the next stop and I didn't take that bus anymore.

3. The Arguing Couple.

Oh God. I kinda love it though?! Yeah, fight you guys! Get it all out. Call him that name again, louder this time! We all appreciate you on this bus. Thank you. You are walking theatre. You are a moveable feast, at literally 25 mph.

4. The Bus Driver.

He's unremarkable, but he's always there, isn't he? So, I'm right to include him. You will always find at least one bus-driver on a public bus (don't quote me on that). And he always going on like: "Hey, shut the fuck up back there!" And we're all like: "Bus driver don't be so pedestrian!" ...We weren't cool kids growing up.

5. The Annoying Kids That Think Their Stupid Conversation About 'Digi-pokes' or 'Adventure-Mon' Is Literally The Most Important Thing To Ever Happen On This Bus.

...And it literally takes all of your power to stop yourself walking over to them and saying: "The thing you are talking about is actually not important. Stop." And then feel super-jealous that you never talk as passionately about anything like that anymore.

6. The Drunk Homeless Guy.

Here he comes. Stuttering onto the bus. Shit in his pants. Purple-black coloured 'stuff' in a water bottle. Shouting at the Bus Driver. Teetering slightly askew as he underpays the fare. And have you ever noticed that these kinds of guys ALWAYS sit beside you?! And he smells like poo-poo. And you think, "Do homeless people upkeep their social media presence when they become homeless? Because I want to tweet-vent right now."

7. The Smell.

It's not a person but deserves a point in itself. Its like getting punched in the nostrils. You feel that the musty, pube-y air is playing havoc with your lung capacity. And you close your eyes and dream of that limousine. And then a baby spews on your neck. Thats a true story.

8. That Person That You Just KNOW Has Something That You Could Catch Off Them.

Sometimes its a sniffly middle-aged man; Sometimes its that crazy guy who scratches himself; Sometimes its the couple basically fucking in the back seat. Public transport is a hive of disease.

9. The Person That Isn't Used To Being On Public Transport.

And it takes them forever to just pay the fare and sit down. Its like: Stop. And Hurry up. And actually don't be on this bus now. You irritate me, person.

10. The Older Woman Who Talks On Her Phone And Its Loud.

Oh lord. We learn about her bunion operation. And her daughter's impending divorce. And how consistent Larry's shits have been since he's changed his medication, "Thank God."