It's a Saturday night. Or a Tuesday. I'm not judging. You're getting ready, slapping on the make up, puffing up the hair, knocking back the Smirnoff. It's going to be a good night, you can feel it in your bones. You're going to make a conscious effort to actually remember this night. Pacing yourself is key. Until you jump a little too hard on the seesaw that balances sober and drunk. The room is becoming softer, less dull. You haven't a care in the world. You could talk for days. Until, somewhere, attempting to emerge from the dankest, deepest corners of your fuzzy, alcohol addled brain, comes the fear that, with this alcohol, will come some life ruining moments. Here are the fears that every drunk girl has.
11) Ringing The Ex
For reasons unbeknownst to us all, alcohol makes girls (and lads), everywhere, nostalgic on a whole new level. Despite the fact that you detest your ex with every fibre of your being, you'll find that seven cocktails in, it's probably for the best to ring them and profess your deepest and most profound love for them. Or hate. Depending on what stage of drunk that you're at.
10) Texting Everyone In Your Contact List
Considering that it's now technically Sunday morning, I'm quite sure that your sleeping friends would love, more anything else in the world, to receive a text from you stating "ogrm thes izz my srng", or something to that effect. Just so long as you only text your friends, we all live in the drunken fear that we'll text Dad instead of Dave. AWKS.
9) Not Getting The Shift
There is nothing quite as soul destroying as spending four hours getting ready, walking into the club and thinking you're shit hot and at the end of it all, not getting so much as a peck. What the fuck? We look fucking unreealll.. Don't we? Omg, what if we're actually uglier than we think and to the outside world we look like inbred fecal matter? Time to get some reassurance from your equally drunk girlfriends.
8) Spilling Your Deepest, Darkest Secrets
When I become mayor of the world, I'm going to christen alcohol 'Truth Potion'. When we get drunk, it's as though someone has forcefully removed the filter on our mouth that turn us from mysterious to confessional dickheads. I may be a little tipsy, but I think it's essential to our friendship that Aisling knows that I'm naturally brunette and fear I will die alone. There, that feels b...WHAT HAVE I DONE???
7) Crying For No Reason
On a normal day, back to back showings of Titanic and The Lion King couldn't break me, but when I'm full to the brim with Jameson, I lose about three pounds through tears alone. I hate drunk crying girls, you hate drunk crying girls, men hate drunk crying girls, but that does little to stem the flow of salty water rushing steadily down our Mac encrusted face. Why are we crying? If only we knew the answer to that.
6) Fighting About Nothing
Put eight drunk girls together, add painful feet, a lack of money and competition over men into the equation and you my friend, have got yourself a bitch fight. A drunk girl fight can be over something as trivial as a straw, or a stray hair. Our inner bitch comes out to play when we're hammered and therefore we all live in fear that we're going to insult, upset or ruin our friendships.
5) Spending All Of Your Fortune
You started the night with a talk to yourself, a real "no, you need to cop the fuck on to yourself now Sinead, fifty euro max tonight, rent's due next week." Then everyone starts on the bastarding Jager Bombs and out comes the Laser Card and ooops, there goes your grocery money for the next week. Definitely worth forgetting some more of your life for though.
4) Losing Personal Items, Along With Your Dignity
Ladies everywhere, if you too, plan on getting obliterated tonight, just follow this one piece of advice. Leave any valuables at home, because when we're drunk, the significance of keeping your bag by your side wanes somewhat and is replaced by a sense of "sure who'd want my stuff? I'm safe here. It's grand."It will not be grand, the faint fear you're internally battling is telling you this. Just lock that shit down. That also goes for the ridiculous dancing, prancing and bitching you're also engaging in. None of these things can ever be won back.
3) Negative Napping Experiences
You know you're getting old when, instead of dancing enough to beat the band, you spend roughly a third of your nightclub time sneakily planning a much needed nap. Where will I hap? When will I nap? How will I subtly escape everyone for twenty minutes, so that I can wake up rejuvenated and refreshed and ready to dance some more? Toilets. Toilets are key here. Do not decide that napping in the murkiest corner of the nightclub is the way forward, because it is not. You WILL wake up to an angry bouncer, mere inches from your face. You will be asked to leave and you will probably cry.
2) Settling For Fifth Best
Forget the term beer goggles, us ladies need to create a newer, more accurate description for slobbering all over somebody that you normally wouldn't even scowl at. False eyelash induced partial blindness, perhaps? Who even wears goggles anyway? Not us, that's for sure. We're going to lay full blame on the spiders hanging over our eyes, for the absolute non beaut that we're just mauled. At least he's enthusiastic.
1) One Night Stand Induced Pregnancy
Ever since we've watched Knocked Up back in the day, we've had an unparalleled level of fear about getting pregnant by someone that we don't know. This is a very real and valid fear, I assure you. Despite trying not to look our fifth best conquest in the eye, because he's not doing much for us, visually, we're actually kind of enjoying this. Until the knocked up fear comes screaming into mind. OH SHIT IMAGINE IF THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED. Worrisome, to say the least. Don't be silly ladies. You know the rest.