Any of us who live in a slightly bigger town/city (aka Dublin) knows of the trials and tribulations of the dreaded public transport. Though handy, on occasion, it's usually a gigantic pain in the arse and we continue to do it to ourselves because we may just get to work on time. Each time you step off the bus/Luas/Dart, you blissfully forget what a hideous journey you just underwent, but I'm now here to remind you!
11) Prices Keep Going Up
Seriously, we partake in public transport because it's supposed to be cheap, but with the way the prices keep going up, we would almost be better off getting a car. Fuck the environment.
10) More Often Than Not, It's Late
We've all been there; cold December morning, just waiting for that bloody bus to arrive, when it's already twenty minutes late. Maybe you're late to work, an exam, or a class with a strict lecturer, and you can feel your butthole clenching with anxiety; you know they won't believe that your bus made you late. In Japan, if a train is more than five minutes late, the conductor will issue a 'delay certificate' to prove the lateness of the train. Could you imagine if that happened here? Those certificates would rain down on the streets like confetti.
9) It Fills Up Too Quickly
On the busier bus routes, or at peak times, you could go by UCD on the 46a and two hundred people will crowd on. Or when it's not peak times, but it's raining, and you try to get the Luas - it's like fighting through the Amazonian jungle during a flood.
8) Priority Seating On Public Transport
Now, don't get me wrong, I've no problem with giving up my seat for someone who is pregnant, disabled or elderly. However, when you get up to let an elderly person sit down, and someone younger than you slides into your seat before the elderly woman has time? It sometimes feels like my eyes will burst out of my head in murderous rage. Or when someone, maybe, five years older than you looks at you expectantly, as if you'll give them your seat. That shan't be happening, love.
7) People Playing Their Music Without Headphones
You probably think you're cool, or that you're doing the rest of us a favour by making us listen to your shitty music, but you're really not. Get a pair of headphones and deafen yourself, like a normal person.
6) People Sitting Next To You
WHEN THERE IS PLENTY OF ROOM ELSEWHERE. They stare at you until you move your bag, all the while looking at your bag like it's made of shit and dead puppies. I'm sorry that there are fifteen other seats up here, most of them entirely free, and you can't wait 0.7 seconds for me to move my bag. God, I'm such a terrible person...
5) Phantom Smells
Well, maybe not phantom... You see that person reaching for the railing overhead and you just know that, if there is a sudden stop, you will faceplant into their armpit. Can you not just, y'know, hold onto the vertical bar like a normal person? No, okay. Then there is the decrepit human being who farts in the middle of a crowded Luas and there is nowhere for it to go but up your nostrils.
4) Queue Skippers
Yeah, those assholes. The ones who sidle in between those in front of you, from the left, knowing damn well what they are doing. Little old ladies are the biggest culprits and absolute experts in the field.
3) Being Left Behind
The bus driver sees you, they all see you; you're running for the bus at breakneck speed, bag bouncing, thigh muscles bulging, you feel like Usain Bolt, and then - then you don't make it. The driver closes the doors right in your face and it feels like you've been punched, along with the added humiliation of others giggling on the bus. Smug shitheads.
2) Listening To The Entire One-Side Of A Conversation
"Now, don't say this to anyone," she blares into the phone, the entire bus wondering just how she thinks she's keeping anyone's secret. These people seem to actually break the sound barrier. Why wait until you're in a confined space to shout about Mary's colonoscopy and Jim's affair?
1) The Power Play Between Cyclists And Bus Drivers
They must coexist in these lanes and you watch as a cyclist comes about eight milimetres from the bus and the driver honks, and the cyclist bangs on the window and your heart is in your mouth and you think the madness will never enddddd. But then you turn off to the right and the cyclist doesn't and he sticks his finger up at the bus and the ordeal has ended.