There is nothing as gut wrenchingly sad as the moment when you realise that you’re getting seriously old. No, this is not an article aimed at those about to enter retirement. This is for all of my fellow early twenty somethings who may be nearing the end of their college life or binge drinking life as it’s become fondly know as to you. Here are some signs that you’re getting older but most likely, none the wiser;
11) Drinking Equals Dying
Drinking once you have surpassed the age of 21 becomes tough. Really tough. Think abseiling down the Spire in wet conditions, tough. It’s not so much the actual drinking although yes, downing seven shots of tequila becomes a little rougher when you’re aware that it’s going to take two days of vomming to recover from it. The hangovers get oh so much worse as the years wear on. I don’t even want to think about how bad it’ll be when we’re thirty.
10) Sleep Is The Most Important Thing
When we were children, going to bed was the worst part of our day. Now, it’s the reason we get up in the morning. There is no place quite like your own bed, unless it’s the bed of Ryan Gosling, but we won’t hold out for that one. As college wears on, you’ll realise that two all nighters a week is not sustainable and makes you a tad homicidal (just me?) A true, true sign that you’re getting on however, is when you’re on a night out and all the vodka makes you want to have a power nap in the toilets and to be woken only for chips. We are too old for this shit.
9) You’re So Fat
When you were sixteen you survived on nothing but ham rolls and Hunky Dories and came out looking like an gawky but thin bitch. Now you eat salad for lunch and occasionally use low fat milk and you’re LUMPY AS FUCK. This is not good for our rage (or weight.) The most uplifting part in all this is when our mothers tell us that it just gets worse as the years go on. Oh fan fucking tastic.
8) D.M.R (Deep Meaningful Relationships)
There’s something about being in your late teens or very early twenties that lends itself to the single life. You’re in the prime of your youth, you want to go out there, see all the fellow single babes, meet new people and experience new things. Then suddenly you’re 23 and the only relationship you’ve ever had has been with your fridge and you lie awake at night pondering how many cats it’ll be acceptable to have in your crummy one bedroom apartment in Kilmainham.
7) Weddings. Why? WHY?
It is during one of the above night time pondering sessions that your phone beeps. Oh what could this be you ask. One of your friends has just messaged you to inform you that another girl in your year has just got engaged. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. I am twenty fucking three, it is 2014 and I should not be worried about not being engaged. I do not want to go to your shitty hen party and drink shitty cocktails from a dick straw. Is Harry an acceptable name for a cat?
6) Baby Talk
Here’s a valuable piece of advice for all of you fellow 23 year olds in a near quarter life crisis. Avoid any family gatherings at all costs, especially if these family gatherings involve babies. Christenings for example. The following will happen. You will hold a baby of some sort, some smart cousin /Aunt/ Uncle will say that “it suits you” and ask “when is it your turn”, following this your parents will practically shit themselves and you’ll just be reminded that you’re alone and will probably only ever mother cats.
5) Avoiding Awkward Questions
This is somewhat a culmination of the previous two points plus more awkwardness. Questions or statements such as “still single?”, “that’ll be you next” or “what are you at with your life now?” are all enough to push a fragile individual in your shoes over the edge. These questions are usually asked by either a friend of your parents, a parent of your friends, a neighbour or of course another embarrassing member of your family. Avoid the urge to crawl under the table and cry. You’re old now, remember?
4) Home Sweet Home
When you first moved away from home you would have happily lived in a skip with a sheet for a roof, just as long as you were free. Being free and independent was far more important than heating, a comfortable bed or a mould free ceiling. Now the absence of a bottle of bleach in the bathroom brings on your stress sweats. What was once merely a place in which to collapse after a night out, is now the place in which you can only sleep when it’s been hovered, dusted and the shoes have been arranged into lines in the hallway. It’s not weird, we’re just old now.
3) Dressed To Impress
One of those very sad moments of old age realisation, comes when you spot another teenie bopper walking down Henry Street with her arse cheeks out for the world to admire. Except us. Put them away you little huare. We’ve just ate our salad and we’d like to keep it down, thanks so much. Also, if all of the underager’s could stop shopping where we shop and stop socialising where we cry that’d be even better. Yes, we are aware that back in the day (at least 7 years ago now *sob*) we dressed similarly (but not as slutty) and also wore heels we couldn’t walk in but we made it classier. End of.
2) Friends and Hoes
When you’re young, I mean really young, as in 17, having as many friends as possible is the cool thing to do. Once you’ve finished school and are nearing the end of college, you’ll begin to realise that it’s really not about quantity. Why have thirty friends, half of whom you hate, when you could have six great ones. A sure sign of maturity is realising that you hate a lot of people and knowingly accepting that they hate you too. I say mature, some say angry.
1) Parental Guidance
You know that sinking feeling you get when the proverbial penny drops? This will happen some day soon, when you realise that everything your parents have been shatting on about for the past twenty odd years, actually makes sense. It’s a terrible feeling ladies and gentlemen. If you haven’t experienced it yet then brace yourselves for the sheer horrendousness of admitting that you were wrong and that, yes, they actually do know best. * Cringe*