Life

11 Steps To Procrastinating Your Final Essay

College is great, it teaches you so much valuable information and helps you secure skills that you can't find anywhere else. One of the most importnat skills that any college student needs to master is the art of procrastination, especilly when it comes to essays. Here are 11 easy steps to help you procrastinate that all important final essay, because everyone knows that actually having your life together is overrated. Good luck and remember the golden rule; due tomorrow, do tomorrow.

Step 1.Plan Well In Advance.

Three weeks before the essay is due have a look at the question, gauge how much effort will be needed, the general direction the essay will take, and just make an overall plan for the next few weeks. As they say; fail to plan, plan to fail.

Step 2. Ignore Said Plan.

Don’t go near the essay again until two days before it is due. 5000 words in 48 hours? That’s only 2500 words a day, which is only 500 words an hour for 5 hours. Honestly that is so doable, so don’t even stress.

Step 3. Make Sure Your Stationary Is On Point.

This step is vital, God forbid you have to start your essay without three different coloured sticky notes, only 5 pens and no flash cards. The horror.

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Step 4.Tell Everyone How Much You Have To Do.

Make sure everyone you meet knows you have an essay due, and don’t forget to mention how much it’s worth and how many words they expect you to have. For an added bonus include how little time you left yourself to do it, and garnish the conversation with a nervous laugh as you walk away.

Step 5. Finally Turn On Your Laptop.

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This is a massive step. You’ve turned on the laptop, the instrument with which you will write the most ground-breaking piece of literature your college, nay the world, will have ever seen. Reward yourself by completing 3 quizzes that tell you what colour skittle you are and why (They’ll tell you’re a yellow but you know you’re a red).

 

 

 

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Step 6. Start The Writing.

Okay so you’ve looked at the title again and realised that maybe, just maybe you should have started it earlier. It looks a lot more complicated than you remember and your previous plan consists of about 5 sentences, one of which just states “it’ll be grand”. No matter, just start writing and keep focused, you can do this.

Step 7. Take A Break.

You’ve been writing for a solid 30 minutes; reward your efforts with a quick hour long coffee break. Treat Yo’Self.

 

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Step 8. Cry.

You’re deep in the essay zone when one of your classmates appears and discusses their take on the title, which is in no way similar to yours. You’ll get this sickening feeling as you realise you are probably completely off base with the ideas you’ve put forth, but you haven’t enough time to change it. So just have a little cry and hope that the person correcting it will see your ideas as abstract and not just plain wrong. The crying will return sporadically for the rest of this process.

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Step 9. Have An Existential Crisis.

Stare into the abyss and wonder what does it all mean? What is the point in writing this essay? Why am I even in university? Originality is dead, every idea has been previously thought of by someone else. Are you just going through the motions? I mean you’re alive but are you living? Consider dropping out of college to become a monk.

Step 10. The All Nighter.

Right, you have another 8 hours to write 1000 words, which doesn’t actually sound too terrible. Except it’s 4am and you haven’t slept yet. You’re blood has probably just turned into some weird mixture of coffee and Red Bull at this stage, you have the shakes and you’re sweating way too much considering how cold you are. Look up your symptoms on the internet; rejoice when it tells you you’re dying, start to cry again when it tells you you won’t be dead before the essay has to be turned in. Get back to the work.

 

Step 11. Finish.

You’ve finished, you’ve actually finished. You aren’t sure exactly what you wrote or if you’ve referenced it correctly, and you’re pretty sure you started speaking a different language at one point, but it doesn’t matter because it’s finished. Hand it in and accidentally bump into the lecturer, maintain eye contact for way too long so they can see the pain in your eyes. Go home and take a long hard look in the mirror and promise yourself this is the last time you’ll procrastinate for college. Go to bed fully knowing you’ll do the exact same thing again next week.

Eimear Scott
Article written by
Twenty year old college grad with an unhealthy obsession with her dog, pizza and crime documentaries. I like to pretend I'm above reality TV, but honestly I can say 'Say Yes To The Dress' has made me cry on several occasions. Bring me coffee when I'm hungover and I'll love you forever.

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