Coming home from a night out is an ugly sight. You give up on what you look like by stuffing yourself with that Big Mac and nobody is too unworthy of your slurred bantering conversation. Just-home-drunk you should never be seen by anyone except, well, you. Here are 12 things we all do after a night out:
1) Eat Our Body Weight In Shitty Food
Once you leave the club, there's a magnetic pull that makes everyone turn into zombie-sheep-mode, stumbling down the road to the nearest McDonalds to get a disgustingly greasy burger to sit on top of your sixteen pints. Mmmm, tasty.
2) Singing In The Taxi
Some taxi drivers have a mini rave in their cars and it's the best part of the night. The after party, if you will. Forgetting the words and singing loudly to Blue songs at 4am is key to the end of your night out anyway. Of that much, I am sure.
3) Sleeping In The Taxi
If your taxi isn't playing the tunes on your trip home then it's gently rocking you into a sleepy coma. Drooling on your mates shoulder is the perfect cherry on top too, I hear.
4) Trip While Walking Up The Driveway
It must be from sitting in the taxi for all of ten minutes, but when we take the first step towards our house, (still in our 4 inch heels mind you), we tend to forget how gravity works and you think the world is ending but nope, that's you falling over. That'll hurt like a motherfucker in the morning...
5) Scrape Around The Keyhole
Now that you've spotted your key amongst the tissues, lipstick, mirror and phone (thank god it's still there), the next step is to try and get it in the hole. You've got one eye closed and you're concentrating so hard you think you'll give yourself a stroke. "Why does the hole keep fucking moving?!"
6) Fail At Being Quiet
Oops, slammed the door closed. Oops, kicked your heels off and one goes flying into the wall. Sober you can step around all the creaky floorboards like the ground is lava, but drunk you manages to find every creak there possibly is. Sorry housemates...
7) Talk To Random Objects
"Ssshhhhhhhh!", "Stop being so loud." , "C'mon, open!" "Sorry!" This is the furniture you're talking to, not a person.
8) Bump Into Everything
When sober, you could fucking unicycle around your house with your eyes closed and know where every step, table and plant is, but when you're drunk, you can't even walk around with them open and you're knocking pictures off the wall and forgetting there's another step at the top of the stairs, "Jesus! Who the fuck put that there?"
9) Laugh At Everything
You see things in a different way when you're drunk. You sound like the best comedian in the world (to yourself) and everything you bump into is hilarious, like it's laughing back at you too.
10) Strip While Walking
Jacket, top, skirt, earrings, hair extensions, everything comes flying off and lands somewhere on the floor. Turning more and more into a zombie the closer you get to bed. Need sleeeeeeep immediately.
11) Fall Into Bed
It doesn't matter about the 50 failed outfits, makeup, hairdryer and straightener on your bed, you don't even notice them until you roll over at 6am and your tweezers stabs you in the kidneys. Ow.
12) Forget To Take Off Your Makeup
Most of the time you forget, but a lot of the time you're honestly too lazy to aggressively rub your face with a makeup wipe at 4am. Nah brah, there are far more important things to do, like sleeping, for one...