If you ever want a lesson in lying efficiently, sit in on a group discussion between some women. We're pretty much expert at it. Now, before you jump on your defensive high horse and cut me down with that statement, hear me out. We all do it. Whether it's a life altering lie or telling your best friend that no, she has not gained weight, sometimes lying is a necessary and kind part of life and whilst men mainly lie to one another to brag, women do it for a whole variety of reasons. See how many of the below you can tick off;
1) "He's AMAZING in bed."
No he isn't. Or if he is, then he must be hiding it really well because to watch him dancing is similar to watching ones Grandmother sashay around the dance floor at a county dinner dance. Moves like Jagger, my hole.
2) "Oh my god, I'm actually stuffed."
We all know at least one of these girls who, after taking five bites from their dressing free salad, claim to be "so stuffed", whilst the rest of the dinner party order ice cream and fun all round. You're not stuffed, the drool you're omitting as you watch the desserts come out is proof enough.
3) "I love being single."
No, you don't. We've seen you swipe at possible Tinder suitors with a look of sheer and steely determination. You're probably one of those girls that spots a man on a night out, lobs the gob off him, builds your future home together in your mind and then cries when he doesn't text within the next five days.
4) "I wish I was single."
No, you don't. This is something that girls in relationships say to comfort their depressed single friends, especially after another night of dickhead dodging. Unless of course, their boyfriends are dickheads too. In wish case, she's probably not lying.
5) "Oh my god, no, I LOVE your boyfriend."
This translates roughly as, "oh my god, no, I LOVE your boyfriend when we're not in the same place, you're not talking about him and he's far from my mind." We've pretty much decided from the beginning whether or not we hate him and you shitting on about him every fifth sentence, is doing little to change our mind.
6) "Yeah, she is a total bitch."
Nine times out of ten, uttered about some girl that dares to speak to a boy you've been creeping on silently and from afar, for some time. The girl in question seems pretty sound to you, but for friendships sake, she's the biggest bitch going.
7) "No you do not look fat in that skirt."
NEVER tell a girl she looks fat. Every girl knows this cardinal rule and to break it, would be to buy your ticket out of the circle. It's like Ross once told Chandler. Don't even think about it. "Do I look fat?". "NO."
8) "No waaaaaaay have you gained weight."
Again, as stated above. Fat+ Girl= End of friendship. When she's feeling bigger than normal just pretend nothing has changed and then swiftly change the subject.
9) "It was sooooooo good to see you."
It really wasn't good to see you. It was actually pretty awkward, uncomfortable and just generally laced with small talk and so, if I don't see you again for quite some time, I'll be happy. Kayyyy thanks!
10) "I do too eat loads. I'm always stuffing my face."
Shut the fuck up, you salad snorting idiot. We all know that you 'conveniently' go for a run immediately after every meal. You also make us feel immeasurably guilty for every forkful of carbohydrate that we consume. Please stop doing that. We just want to eat in oblivious peace.
11) "Yeah, I'm literally on the way right now."
Said as you meticulously paint another coat of nail varnish onto your toes. Yes, they may think that you're on the way but in reality you still have eyelashes to attach, hair to curl and flicked eyes to perfect. But hey, at least by telling them that you're on the way, they won't get mad when you, two hours later, still haven't put in an appearance. Foolproof plan.
12) "You look AMAZING in that picture. What other chin?"
The bane of every girls existence is a night out in the company of a friend who's a little too snappy happy. The hangover fear is bad enough, add 14 fat pictures into the mix and you have yourself a recipe for disaster. It's always the one, abnormally photogenic friend who insists that you look lovely, despite the fact that you're visibly dribbling and are flashing your knickers. LIES, BLATANT LIES.
13) "I am in no way drunk at all. I'm not even tipsy."
You may be lying on the floor as you say this, but that does not make it any less true. In fact, if you're lying on Harcourt Street, shouting and vomming at the same time, even better. It really hammers home the fact that, no, you are not drunk.