The summer brings many things. Sun, freedom, beer gardens, beaches, and holidays. Along with the good though, must always come the bad and the summer season can be a cruel and evil time. So here, to display my sense of understanding, are the worst things about the impending summer. Break out the sun cream and the fly swats.
1) Flesh, Flesh Everywhere
You know it's summer when there are oceans upon oceans of retina blinding, white flesh, swimming all over the place. There are denim hot pants on arses that should never see denim hot pants and men who are either horrendously scrawny, or are far too fond of the Cornettos, who feel the need to remove their tops once the thermometer hits 10 degrees. People everywhere, please put some actual clothes on. My eyes hurt.
2) Sticky Conditions
An Irish summer, in no way, shape or form, resembles a mainland European summer. They get pure, unadulterated sunshine, frequent high temperatures and through all of this, still manage to look sexy and summery. We, on the other hand, get weather that the majority of the time, can only be described as "shocking close". No one expect an Irish person will have the faintest idea what close weather is, so here's away to sum it up, we're close to dying in this dead heat, sticky, muggy, sweat patch inducing, hell.
3) Sweaty Betty
Horses sweat, men perspire and ladies glow. So our mothers tell us. Clearly our mothers have never been with us in town on a "close day". We rock sweat patches like Kanye rocks at being the worlds biggest wanker. Down to our elbows they are. The best example of this can be found on a bus. The smell alone would drive the sanest person running, arms firmly held by their side, to the hills and beyond.
4) Sunburned Sally
Where is Sally? Oh wait, I can spot her big, frazzled looking head from six miles away, it's ok. People of Ireland. Please put some Ambre Solaire on. A large portion of us are whiter than milk infused chalk. We are not sallow skinned. Sitting in the sun for six hours, covered in sun oil is idiotic. Resort to the other Sally (Hansen) if needs be. She's far better for you.
5) Pollen Problems
Ireland is the perfect breeding ground for Hayfever. Too perfect, in fact. Going abroad for a week offers your poor, pollen infested body a chance to recover, only to land, one week later, back into Dublin, to resume your fight against pollen, by covering the seat in front of you in snot. Excuse us please.
6) Wacky Weather
Getting dressed during the summer is like a real life version of Guess Who, except that it's more a case of guess what. Guess what to wear today. Oh it's warm and sunny now, but this being Ireland, within the next seven hours we're 75% likely to have rain, hailstones, wind, thunder and lightening, sun showers and will probably get sunburned too. Layering is key here. Plus a rain poncho and an umbrella. Cover all bases.
7) Infestation Issues
Oh guess what, little underground creatures. It's June. You know what that means? It's time to pop your little head up and habitat our house for the next three months. No boxes are left unopened here. Ants in the cupboards are the best, not to mention the arrival of bees, wasps, moths, daddy long legs and blue bottles. I think they're trying to drive us out. They'll never win this battle. Not while ant spray and those long sellotape like, fly attracting things exist.
8) Bad BBQ's
Let's get one thing straight here. I think barbecues are great. When I'm at one. What I don't like however, is another evening of eating toast for dinner whilst the smell of my neighbours beautiful steaks come wafting up to meet me. Eventually we'll all cave and spend our money on a shitty disposable one from Supervalu, only to under cook the sausages and give ourselves a serious case of the shits. Bring back toast.
9) So Many Children
It's a Monday. It's July and the clock has just gone seven. Why parents, why do you let your little darlings outside screaming before we have had our morning bucket of tea? Put a few cartoons on for them. That always worked for us. Failing that, summer school?
10) Shitty Summer Jobs
Summer jobs are a special brand of fun. Whether you're spending your sunny days in a shop dishing out chicken fillet rolls to hungover people that you wish you were, or are pulling pints for tourists, you can be pretty much guaranteed that you'll envy all of your customers. It is an unwritten rule that the customers will be having a great time and that you, well, won't. But hey, at least you're making 8.65 for every hour of fun you endure. WOO WOO.
11) Cans All Over The Shop
Statistically, the sale of alcoholic beverages will rise dramatically during hotter months. This in turn, results in the paths and shrubbery of Ireland being decorated with the glistening silver and blues of cheap beer cans. What a beautiful sight to behold. Because who wouldn't want to see a topless skanger downing a six pack on a footpath in Ballyfermot?
12) Summer Lovin'
It is bordering on impossible, to walk down any given street on a summers day and not be met by the kissing escapades of yet another young and loved up couple. They usually tend to be around 17 and probably only met last night. The ones who really amp up the anger factor within me are those who insist on dressing alike, can't walk five foot without holding hands and stop in the middle of the street to maul the faces off one another. Oh please just stop.
13) Sleepless Nights
Getting a decent nights sleep during the summer can be tricky. This is usually due to a number of factors. The fact that it's still bright outside at ten o'clock, the screams of little shits, sorry, I mean children still boxing one another outside, drunk neighbours, too warm in your room even with the windows wide open ,or if you're unfortunate enough to live in the vicinity of Croke Park or any other summer concert venues, sound pollution. Thanks Garth whatever your name is. Mix them all in together and we have ourselves some very cranky, sleep deprived mornings.