Summer is here and college exam results are on their way. Students everywhere need the money to fund their summer binge of alcohol, sunburn, and just being a bum in general. All some students want to do is continue to bum money off their parents for another year. But first, you need to PROVE to your parents that you're actually trying to get a job.
Well fear no more. Show up to your interview and do any of these things and you definitely won't be hired. Here are the best ways NOT to get hired in your job interview!
1. Dress extremely casually.
Show up to your interview dressed WAY too casually. Wear shorts, socks with sandals and a wifebeater. Or if your interviewing for a job that requires you to dress casually anyway, go way over the top. Add your cowboy hat or sombrero and refuse to take it off. - you won't have to worry about getting hired any time soon!
2. Mention how well you did to procrastinate your way through college.
Tell your interviewer how you love to cut corners and leave all your work until the last minute. You've had to repeat 12 exams in your college years and handed in 5 assignments after the deadline. "But I got 'em done. That's the important thing." Throw in a cheeky wink and explain how you can spot a shortcut a mile away and fully intend to use these skills if employed in their workplace.
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3. Tell them you need lots of time off for the summer.
You're going away to 3 music festivals, a weekend in London and a 2 week holiday in Ibiza so you'll need time off for them. "Sure the tickets are already booked!" OH, and you can't work weekends or late nights! OR mornings, because you may be too hungover to work and you like your lie-ins.
4. Involve your parents, sisters or partners.
Have your mom ring the company and query when they intend to get back to you. Also get your sister to demand a reason as to why you weren't employed by them.
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5. Better out than in - Don't try to hide your burps or farts.
Let everything hang loose and fly out. Flood the room with your odours and gases. Then don't even deny it when someone asks what that smell is. Just pipe up: "It was me!"
6. Flirt with your interviewer.
Awkwardly flirt with your interviewer. It doesn't matter whether they're a man or a woman. When asked why you wnat to work there, reply: "Easy... The women!" Rub your hand along their thigh and give them a stone cold stare into their soul. They LOVE that shit. Ask them out before the interview is over.
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7. Be overly-committed and threatening.
Go into your interview all guns blazing. Burst through the door, march towards the interviewer and tear their hand off. Sit down and scream about how much you NEED this job. If they mistake your insanity for an eager and determined attitude, then do something OTT - handcuff yourself to the desk and threaten to hurt yourself if they don't give you the job.
8. Get uncomfortably personal.
Steer the conversation away from the job and bring up your inner torment from a recent relationship. Tell the interviewer how you walked in on your girlfriend sleeping with your best friend and that you REALLY need this job to keep your mind off things. Take a hairbrush from your interviewer's purse and brush your hair, hug them after the interview and ask for a ride home.
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9. Lie about your resume.
Create lies about your previous work experience that can be easily caught out. State that you worked for their sister company for 4 years, and before that, worked in data programming for NASA. Without a degree of course.
10. Feel right at home.
Put your feet up on the desk and ask for a cup of coffee before the interview starts. Take off your shoes and leave them by the door. If all else fails, answer your phone and ask the interviewer to leave their office because it is a "private conversation."
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11. You don't really know anything about the company.
Have no idea what sort of job you're applying for or what the company does. Ask how new the company is even though it's been in operation from around the time that you were born. Tell them how you've always been "okay with numbers" even though the job explicitly states that you won't need to work much with them.
12. Tell them that you just want to make money.
Tell them that you're just here to do your hours, make your money and leave. You don't like socialising. If hired, you're going to be the guy who arrives 20 minutes late, plugs in his earphones and messes around on the internet for the day, then leaves at exactly closing time.
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13. Bitch about your old bosses.
Bad-mouth your old bosses and tell the interviewer how you never got along with any of your former managers or co-workers.
14. Arrive late.
Arrive late to the interview and mention how you're always losing track of time. You're rarely punctual. It's good to start how you mean to go on right?!
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15. Use your bad manners.
Burp, belch, fart, sneeze and excrete everything you possibly can from your body. Interrupt the interviewer when they are talking, send a quick text message in the middle of your conversation and avoid at all costs, the use of these words: "Hello. Please. Thank You. Goodbye."
16 Leave some of yourself behind.
Leave something behind for the interviewer to remember you by. Clip your toe nails with your feet resting on their desk. Blow your nose with tissues and then line them up on the desk. Drink some water and the spit some of it out into an office plant. Leave your stench in the room for after you've left or better yet, mark your territory while sitting down in the chair! There's NO way in hell you'll be walking out of that company with a job. You're welcome!
