20 Signs You're A Hypochondriac

Have you always been a little agitated when it comes to your health? Did you develop anxiety over fears you were anxious? If you're a girl when you first started puberty were you afraid that you were in fact hemorrhaging? As a man, at the first sign of a sniffle do you lock yourself in your room and call your mammy to drive to wherever you may be to look after you? Are you reading this because you think being a hypochondriac is an actual disease and you think you may need to get checked? Friends no longer sympathise with your weekly illnesses and prognosis's? Well my friend, you may in fact be a glorified attention seeker.

20. You Have Web MD Bookmarked

You use Web MD for everything. Before Web MD you were probably a normal human being. However since you started using it you have had a mild encounter with Leprosy, Cancer, a Brain Tumor and Malaria.

19. A Headache is Never Just a Headache.

A headache, is at best a migraine or a tumor. Neither is backache just from carrying all the groceries in at once, it's kidney problems. For women if you have a pain in your stomach, it's  definitely your ovaries.


18. You Will Never Be Seen Caring for a Sick Friend

At the first sign of a cough you are gone in a puff of smoke. They are banned from your house and you proceed to disinfect everything they've touched. If only you had the expendable income to burn everything they've breathed on.

17. Public Transport is your Mortal Enemy

Buses, trains, planes. They're all unclean! The thought of holding a railing going up the stairs makes you shiver.


16. If You Do Get Sick You Plot Revenge

If the unlikely does happen and you are plagued with the common cold, you trace your steps to figure out who was the last person that coughed in your presence.


15. You Want to Cry When Someone Takes a Drink of Your Drink or a Bite of Your Food

I'm not talking about a complete stranger. Anyone would be taken aback if that happened. I'm talking about a close friend who asks for a bite of your pizza. The idea of sharing food is alien to you.


14. Your Doctor Hates You

Your doctor would love to call in sick himself if he knew you were making an appointment. He gives you antibiotics just to shut you up. You're even a regular at A&E.

13. You Genuinely Believe You Were Affected By SARS

Even though you have never been to China, you honestly thought you were going to die. This goes for all of the biggies. Swine Flu, Foot and Mouth. You had them all. In reality you're a medical marvel.


12. You are the Most Insensitive Person When it Comes to Other People's Issues.

-'So I've been told I have Dyslexia'

-'You know, my throat has been really scratchy all day, is that contagious?'

11. You Know Exactly What GMOs, Trans Fats, Tartrazine and Triacetin are.


You're a waiter's worst nightmare because you strongly believe, every type of food is out there to kill you.

10. Having a Friend Studying Nursing or Medicine Is The Best Thing To Ever Happen to You

You have no qualms about ringing them in the middle of the night because you're not sure if you just slept on your arm funny or if it's the early signs of a stroke.

9. You Carry A Mini Pharmacy Everywhere You Go.


You are prepared for all scenarios. Headache, sinus, feeling bloated, feeling constipated, feeling like you're about to shit yourself, allergy medication, plasters, antiseptic. Of course you still need immediate medical advice too.

8. Hand Sanitizer is your Best Friend

At this stage you should have shares in Purell, but it also makes you worry though that your immune system will be weakened to bacteria.  It' like Sophie's choice.

7. Handshakes Make You Squirm


This is where your bestie comes in. You try at all costs to avoid people's filthy, germ riddled hands

6. You Know the Exact Routine of Your Bowel Movements

Any irregularity has you typing into Web MD once again. I solely blame Gillian McKeith for people's obsession with their poo. JUST FLUSH IT!

5. Public Bathrooms


Instead of seeing a place to relieve yourself, all you see is a pool of germs, bacteria and life altering diseases. The thoughts of using one sends you into a panic attack.

4. You Despise Handryers

Normal people don't understand this. But you know all this machine does is make all those germs airborn. Shouldn't have even bothered washing your hands in the first place.



3. You Have A 3 Strike Rule

Because going to the doctor is expensive you've developed a system. If you have two of either nausea, fatigue or a headache, you can go to the doctor.

2. You Wish You Could Just Get Your Appendix Out

You know it's a ticking time bomb that must be stopped.

1. You're Obsessed with Medical TV Shows

Whether it's real or fiction,you are obsessed with these shows. You feel they give you the necessary qualifications to be able to self diagnose yourself and question your doctor's qualifications.


Bronagh Flynn
Article written by
An English major in the University of Limerick. This country bumpkin may claim she spends her days reading 'War and Peace', contemplating life when in fact she is re-watching episodes of Girls in her quest to becoming a somewhat respectable member of society. An old man at heart, she loves a whiskey on the rocks and over packed clubs give her nightmares.

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