Shift, meet, score, feek, lob the gob. Whatever you want to call it, here is the 24 types of kiss you may or may not have experienced.
1. The First One
Memorable but messy, it doesn't really matter. All that's important is that you're no longer a frigid.
2. The Washing Machine
The result of an over-zealous partner, this is less a kiss more a mouth assault.
3. The One From Granny
It's inevitable, it's sloppy and it's going right on your smackers. Pull away at your own peril.
4. The Non-existent One
In your frigid days you concocted an Oscar worthy script of your first kiss. It happened on holiday, he/she was gorgeous and he/she is uncontactable/not on Facebook/died in a fire.
5. The Friendzone
You're eyes are locked, the space between your lips closing in... and then it happens. A last minute swerve to plant a scarcely believable, harmless peck on the cheek. The gumption.
6. The Smelly One
The result of poor dental hygiene. Once your in, you just have to ride it out. Don't hold your breath though as you might pass out.
7. The Revenge kiss
Self-explanatory, hallmarks of this kiss include giving your ex evils from across the dancefloor.
8. The Fish Out Of Water
You don't know where they learned the technique, perhaps from a trout. Brainless mouthing against your face. Be sure to sit them down and school them. They'll thank you for it later.
9. The Passionate One
Form goes out the window here. Treat it like fencing except with tongues. And saliva. Best done indoors, away from prying eyes.
10. The PG Version
Reserved for public appearances and family get togethers. A quick, simple peck. No fuss, no muss.
11. The Spiderman Kiss
If you can pull it off you're a hero. It takes a lot of prep though. Including sourcing a Spiderman costume, climbing lessons as well as learning to spin webs from your wrists.
12. The Chore
For whatever reason you're not into it. Problem is they are, and you are too polite to stop. So you count sheep, check your watch and pray for clemency. Just don't let them catch you checking your phone, it's considered rude.
13. The Umpteenth One
We've all been there. How many can you get in one night? Let's make it a competition! Usually an alcohol fuelled exploit.
14. The Dry One
Use some lip balm for the love of Christ!
15. The Hickie
The Dubious Kiss Committee might have my head for this but to hell with it, the hickie is going in at No.15. If you're the one giving the hickie you're on easy street. However, if you're the victim then make sure you have stocked up on foundation & scarves and be sure to steer clear of Mam for a couple of days. At least until the swelling goes down.
16. The Lick
Either sexy or cringeworthy, depending on your disposition. And your location.
17. The Lip Bite
Knowing your own power is key here. Things can go from playful to bloody real quick.
18. Air Kiss
I say go for it. Just make sure none of the lads are watching.
19. Finger Kiss
If you make a nice meal do a finger kiss, & say 'Belissimo!'. That is all.
20. The Kiss From Behind
For the hopeless romantic. Make sure they know you. I can't stress that enough.
21. The Drunken One
In a word, sloppy. But neither of you can remember so it's all good in the hood. The patrons of Harcourt Street however, will be scarred for life & may need counselling.
22. The Lady & The Tramp
Reserved for cartoon dogs mostly, but if you don't mind looking like right pair of twats, then full steam ahead.
23. The Forbidden One
You know the one. Your pal went out with him/her for a wet weekend and now they are off limits. But alas, the forbidden fruit must be tasted. It'll all blow over in a couple of weeks.
24. The European
A kiss on both cheeks, just as a greeting? Even if I don't know you? Even if I don't like you? To each their own.