Listen, let’s not beat around the bush here and spend the next two paragraphs discussing universal beauty and how all of us are pretty on the inside, letting us glow on the outside. Bull shit. Some of us have won the genetic lottery and some of us hit every branch on the way down from the ugly tree. This article is not for them. This article is for those chosen few with the cheekbones of Cher and the body of a malnourished Swedish barmaid. For those among us who think they have what it takes to make it on the cobblestone runways of Ireland, I give you a guide, to becoming Ireland’s Next Top Model.
1. Get Instagram
The most important thing you can do when beginning you rise to international stardom is take as many photos of yourself as humanly possible. I’m talking selfies on the bus, selfies in the shower, selfies that make it look like your sleeping and someone else is taking the photo… Once in a while, punctuate your selfies with a picture of somebody else’s burger with #cheatday. People want to think you were born skinny and not that you eat 3 slices of an apple while you cry on the treadmill.
2. Status Updates
Be your own paparazzi. Announce to the world on Facebook and twitter everywhere that you are going. Models are notorious for checking in at the Ritz in St. Bart’s or chic London Spas. Since you haven’t begun your world travelling escapades yet, Coppers on a Sunday night will do.
3. Make Friends With Photographers
The key to this is that they don’t have to be real photographers. Mostly you can become friends with any pervert who owns a DSLR camera who will post your pictures to Facebook with captions like ‘so privileged to be working with the amazing …’. Instantly make these your profile pictures. Later down the road these will go on to build your portfolio for when you go on Go- Sees. Print these on regular white A4 paper in your kitchen, it captures depth better than professional printing, and bring them everywhere you go to show your friends. They will think it’s really cool.
4. Join An Agency
It is important to be properly represented. This means joining an agency for who you are the top priority. Ignore all the big names like Assets, they are too busy with Kelly from Tallafornia, to take on a fresh face like yourself. Instead, find an agency who offers a welcome package deal where you pay for them to represent you. That’s how you know it’s legit. They will also encourage you to do a promo shoot, which can cost up to 700 EUR. This is a good deal. Take it.
5. Take any Work
As a model starting out, it may be hard to get work. It is important to turn your nose down to nothing. Everyone starts somewhere. When you are offered your first heavy flow tampon commercial, just remember, this is basically a metaphor for the red carpets of Milan.
6. Don’t turn down a Porno
If Kim Kardashian had said ‘aww no turn your camera phone off’ think where she’d be now. Nowhere. Porn is like the gateway drug to modelling. I’m not saying get all of it out, but if you are offered 2K for a little girl on girl in the back of a white van, you jump on that as if it’s a mocha skinny latte!