Robots are taking over. They are coming for your jobs. You, yes you, reading this now, there are robots on the horizon who will take over your job. Perhaps you don't have a job and are looking for one - which, given the subject matter of this article, would make far more sense - soon, you won't be able to find a job, as the robots will have them. The robots will have the jobs. There will be no more work for anyone to do and we will live in a blissful post-labour utopia.
Unfortunately the robots are coming, but very, very slowly. So, for the foreseeable future, things are gonna have to truck along as normal with us people picking up the slack and plugging all the existing gaps in the labour market. The minute they create a sleek automaton that can tag; fold and, neatly stack towers of ironically branded t-shirts in Penneys will be a proud day for humanity, as we become liberated from the yoke of labour. To tide you over until then however, here are some opportunities to get yourself into the game of, and it would be churlish of me to call it anything else, gainful employment.
1) H&M Sales Advisor, Part-Time - Dublin
How do you feel about advising confused customers about their potential purchases? Incredibly enthused I imagine, how about only doing this in a part time capacity for between 12-16 hours a week? I can tell you're positively salivating at the prospect. Well, simply take a minute to towel yourself off and apply here.
2) Penneys Retail Assistant, Part-Time - Dublin
With current social values being what they are, it is incumbent on every person to cover their bodies in clothes for want of avoiding being arrested for indecent exposure. You can help this noble cause, you can literally help people avoid court or jail time by working as a retail assistant in Penneys, helping to dispense clothes to the masses. Not all heroes wear capes, but it is very important that they do wear something.
3) Flying Tiger Sales Assistant, Part-Time - Cork
Don't worry, this is not a position in some sort of awful cabal that trades in the body parts of exotic wild animals. Much as I'm sure there would be a demand for the dissected parts of a 'flying tiger' to be used ill-advisedly in some traditional medicine, this position is simply to work part-time as a sales assistant in everybody's favourite eclectically stocked, kooky shop, Flying Tiger.
4) Dentistry For Kids Receptionist - Full-Time - Galway
This is where things take a turn. The list had been going fairly solidly so far, but you knew, deep down, you knew that this state of affairs could not last. You knew that it was only a matter of time before a full-time position to become the receptionist at a children's dentistry clinic entered the list, and here we are. Despite not having to actually doing any of the dentistry yourself - unless there was some horrific dentist shortage in an emergency situation, this is still a notch up but would be a perfect entry level job for someone finishing college.
5) Maxol Deli Assistant & Shop Assistant Roles - Part-Time - Waterford
There is a deli in a Maxol in Waterford. It needs assistance. Do you have what it takes to assist the deli? (N.B. this is not the brief for a very low-budget Channel 5 reality show.)
6) Tesco Customer Assistant - Part-Time - Drogheda
In the job listing Tesco say that "We pride ourselves on offering customers the biggest range of products around. And that's not just food, but everything from clothes and kettles to financial services." If you think that you have what it takes to assist customers in buying a kettle or deciding between a fixed or tracker mortgage, then stop messing around, stop whatever you are doing this instant and apply here.
7) Aldi Store Assistant - Part-Time - Dublin
If you would like to work somewhere where you can feel safe and confident that any desperate looters who've thieved a JCB are only likely to target a direct rival rather than your own supermarket then look no further than Aldi. They need store assistants, heed their plaintive wails, answer their siren's call, become a store assistant.
Well, that's it. We've reached the end of the list. People, it's been real, I will leave you with some words of wisdom my father once imparted to me; "go forth and get yourself a registered PAYE tax-compliant job you damn - [text redacted to comply with the Obscenities Act 1989]".