A drinking holiday has become somewhat of a rite of passage in Ireland and one that most people in their late teens take part in. And whether your holiday is in Santa Ponsa, Ibiza, Magaluf and even somewhere less mainstream there are some events that cannot be avoided over the course of the week. They’re just inevitable. Don’t say you weren’t warned.
1. Someone will get severely sunburnt
The Irish, as a nation of people are simply not used to dealing with the sun and this lack of experience becomes clear when we arrive in our chosen sunny destination to find an unknown yellow ball in the sky and get slightly over excited. The utter desperation to come home with some colour resembling a tan means that there is always at least one member of the group who neglects the suncream despite warnings from the mammy of the group and braves these death rays bare skinned. This results, two hours later in the walking, talking tomato who can’t bear to be touched and now spends an hour of each day searching for someone to rub after sun on their hot-enough-to-fry-an-egg back. Should have listened to mammy.
2. Someone will become the annoying one.
Sad but true. You’re going on holidays with a group of friends that you’re close with and get along really well with but a drinking holiday isn’t the same as college. There’s no lectures to attend, no dinner to be cooked; in short there’s nowhere to escape to. By day three you’re noticing some annoying qualities in your friend that you haven’t seen before and some meaningful glances with others in the group lets you know you’re not alone. By day four everyone is in mutual agreement over the fact that your friend is annoying when abroad and so commences the bitchy gestures and comments. Just try and not be too mean. And if you’re reading this thinking ‘there was no annoying friend on our holiday’ then, sadly, you were the annoying friend.
3. Some electrical device will meet its end
Whether it’s a digital camera who was smothered by sand or an iPhone who simply couldn’t wade its way through the BCM foam party, a drinking holiday spells the end for at least one device. Try hard as you might there are some who just can’t be saved. It’s best to make the journey prepared for the worst. Tip: always have a bag of rice at hand. Uncle Ben to the rescue.
4. Someone will get a crazy tattoo/piercing
Cheap booze mixed with cheap piercing and tattoo parlours are a recipe for one thing only. It is inevitable that someone on the trip will return home with some variation of ‘Ponsa 14 bitches’ tattooed very noticeably on their body or something pierced that you didn’t know could be pierced. In the rare occurrence that this alteration to their body is something your friend approves of then happy days, if on the other hand they burst in tears at the sight of ‘friendship forever’ across their thigh the most you can do is pat their head while they cry and Google laser removal surgeries for them.
5. Someone will get drunk beyond belief
No we’re not talking over gigglingly and maybe a bit more likely to fall. We’re talking ‘Sweet baby Jesus that girl can’t see’. Yes it’s going to happen to at least one member on at least one night. Someone is going to pass their usual drunk self out at 100 m/ph and continue to the town of paralytic. They either won’t be able to walk or start acting completely out of character or maybe a mixture of both. The best thing you can do is attempt to help them walk, hold their hair back while they puke and ignore their drunken rants. And if you are the one who makes the journey to Paralytic town then the best you can do is hang your head in shame the next morning and apologise as profusely as you can.
6. Someone will get the ride on the beach
Ah, the beach such a beautiful spot to sunbathe, play some frisbee and go for a walk on top of some used condoms. Yes, the beach is probably worst than the burrows during randy rabbit season and place to be strictly avoided after 2am unless you plan on taking part. Without doubt there will be at least one member of the group who goes for the long romantic ride with José and will realise the next day that ‘José’ is actually Pa O’Neill from the back arse of nowhere. Hon the parish.
7. There will be a fight
It’s a given. Between being stuck in each others faces 24/7 and consuming a ridiculous amount of alcohol there will be some type of scuffle before the end of the trip. It might involve only one or two in the group but odds are everyone will get dragged into it. It will also be over something idiotic like Susan didn’t pay Andrew for the bread. The fact is that by the end of the week everyone has reached a new unknown stage of exhaustion and has become bitter with life and everyone in it and so anything can set them off. What you have to remember is that everything that is said during this inevitable fight is just drunken talk, it means nothing and should not be thought of again once everyone has sobered up. Do not let it ruin a good holiday.
8. There will be a recovery period.
If you don’t need at least 48 hours to recover from your drinking holiday then you didn’t do it right. You’ve gotten no more than 15 hours sleep over seven nights, you’re covered from head to toe in mysterious bruises and cuts, with each cough there’s a chance of vomit and your voice now sounds like a duck going through puberty.To top it off you decided to go out and do an all nighter before your 9am flight. After landing in the most remote airport in Ireland you have to sit through the two hour bus transfer back home before dealing with your mothers 101 questions on the weather, local cuisine and whether you ‘socialised’ much. Then it’s time to crawl into bed, contemplate your bad decisions and vow never to touch alcohol again. Sleep until your body regains some feeling of normality. Good luck.