As we begin this article, I would like you to take into your hands your Conch of Truth. If you do not have a Conch of Truth, I would implore you to go to your nearest reputable retailer that is licensed to stock Conches of Truth, and to purchase one. If you are uncertain as to what a Conch of Truth is, it is a large ceremonial shell which, if you re holding it, culturally obliges you to tell the truth. Do not try and Google the veracity of this as it simply is not important enough to make a big deal out of. When you are holding your Conch of Truth, I would like you to take a moment to admit something, admit that we have all looked at a gin and tonic, gazed into its crystalline depths, and thought to ourselves, "Sure that's all well and good, but wouldn't the introduction of some mysterious nationalistic element to it drastically improve things?"
While it is a near universal certainty that this thought has coursed through the heads of all people at some point, it is unfortunately where the commonalities in outlook end. We each no doubt have our own ideas for how this should be brought about. You've almost certainly heard every possibility under the sun put forward as a way to tackle this long-standing, question of how to make gin and tonics more nationalistic, and so far, none of them have seemed to fit the bill. Filling a gin and tonic with a Michael Flatley-esque inspired troupe of dancers to do a jaunty jig would be so messy as to be impractical - not to mention the possibility of taking a rogue tap-shoe to the face whenever you try bring your lips toward the frothing rim to take a sip; inserting several comprehensive biographies on the lives of famous Irish national heroes, such as Wolfe Tone and Constance Markievicz, while all well and good in theory - would almost certainly jeopradise the taste once the paper began to degrade and turn your drink into a pulpy mess, and I feel the less said about those who think gin and tonics should come brimming with Catholic guilt the better.
We, as a society have been at an impasse on this point for too long. That is however, until today, when Aldi have come along and only knocked the whole situation absolutely out of the park with a barn-stormer of a solution. They're stocking Shamrock Infused Gin for St. Patrick's Day. Now, you can revel in the twin pleasures of mild inebriation and fervent patriotic pride all at once.
The gin is made by Listoke Distillery in Louth and will cost €19.99 for a 50cl bottle. It will be available in stores from Thursday 28th February. So what other information do you want on this? None? Great, as I have no more to give.