Have you ever caught yourself in the process of doing or thinking something really odd and wondered what the hell is wrong with you? You have? Oh good, thank God I'm not the only weirdo out there because that'd be a worrying turn of events. None of us (no matter how much we claim otherwise), are completely normal and that's just a harsh reality. So let's all rejoice, be grateful and thank the stars that we're all fucking weirdos together. Hey, everyone, it's ok.....
1) To regularly fantasize about drop kicking your pathetic excuse for a human being of an ex in the face. Numerous times. A day...
2) To come up with the most perfect, cutting, ice cold comeback only a mere three hours too late. (Goddamit, get your shit together woman.)
3) To go through thrice as many bottles of dry shampoo as you do regular shampoo. That powdery white look is hot right now, don't you know.
4) To have an emergency 'what if I got pregnant tomorrow' plan of action perfectly in place despite the fact that you haven't had sex in four months.
5) To go on a night out solely with the intentions of finally ending that dry spell. Girl's gotta do what she's gotta do, after all.
6) To not know how tall he is, but to have a fairly decent idea of what kind of extreme sports he happens to recreationally enjoy in his downtime. (Seriously Tinder boys, change your tactics.)
7) To spend more on a fair to middling night out than you ever have on a good bra. Someday, someday we'll be responsible.
8) To sometimes want your best friends in the world to fuck off and leave you and Netflix to enjoy some chill time alone. I love you and all but...
9) To shove everything within your line of sight under the bed and pretend that your room is clean now. Hey, whatever works for you sister.
10) To only shave your legs as far as the knee because, well, who has that kind of time on their hands?
11) To enjoy Tindering (aka, judging) just that little bit more when you're hungover to fuck and in dire need of a little ego boost.
12) To still borrow the odd sneaky twenty from your parents aged 23. (Just me?)
13) To have a list of suitors (friends) in your phonebook that are pretty much certain to come and spoon you through even the worst stages of the fear.
14) To start the week with such good intentions, but to finish it with three bags of Doritos, a family sized pizza, 13 beers and a deep sense of regret.
15) To consider sending a winky face as your finest form of flirting. ;)
16) To only urgently feel the need to change your sheets after a decent (read-sweaty) sex session. (Hot)
17) To only get up on a Tuesday so you can go back to bed and watch House of Cards sooner. (Be still my beating heart.)
18) To hand on heart promise your boyfriend that what happens between the two of you stays between the two of you......Bar everything you tell you your girlfriends afterwards, but that doesn't count anyway, right?
19) To get so stressed out in changing rooms that you leave as a now clean eating, organic, paleo vegan.
20) To break out in the sweatiest of sweats at the mere mention of tagged photos from a nightclub. Oh dear Jesus....
21) To cringe so hard at their attempts of dirty talk that not laughing is the only thing on your mind. *Keep it together*
22) To feel so tired during the day that you really feel as though you might die, only to get into bed and start thinking about the crisis in the middle east, where you might be in ten years time and what really is the meaning of life?
23) To sometimes worry that your Grandmother would disown you if only she knew what you were really like.
24) To have a minor shit attack every time someone asks if they can use your phone 'for a second'.
25) To watch soppy films when you're alone and hungover and cry and do you know what? We're not even sorry.
26) To leave nail varnish on your toenails until it (four months later) wears itself off. Who the hell is going to see them anyway?
27) To immediately judge someone's online presence based purely on the number of 'X's' they happen to include in their name.
28) And to swipe left without even thinking about it, if their main picture is a selfie taken in a mirror. Really though? REALLY?
29) To sometimes ponder what level of tragic your funeral would be. Would there be weeping? You'd bet your ass there would.
