House music seems to have become quite the epidemic throughout Ireland last year and it continues on this 2014. All of a sudden we have these die hard house music fans that have just been keeping this all in for the last 5 years. Rocking out to pop in Wesley and the likes must have been a tough time for them. Listen, I know nothing about house music. To be honest, I'm not the biggest music fan. I can hear your shock through the laptop screen. I'm just not that into music. But oh boy I have been noticing some things the last few months, there are a significant amount of Fake Hipsters out there. Many nights out are now revolving around house music, and don't get me wrong, there is no problem going to such an event. But, implying to your Facebook friend base that music is your life and house music is just connecting your body to your soul seems a bit extreme. Real hipsters out there I am sure you have you are having your issues. These phonys are coming in to your nightclubs, wearing your scrunchies and your ankle boots. So, what are you gonna do about it? What are we going to do about it? We shall call people out. Here is How To Spot A Fake Hipster.
1) Memory Lane
You go on YouTube and find a few House Dj's you have heard are popular at the moment. You study their name, the names of their songs and get familiar with some tracks. When you have done this, you go back to your Beyoncé and One Direction playlist because after all House isn't as close to you as you say it is.
2) Agreement Assimilation
When you are on your House nights you feel out of place. This is not because others are being rude to you, it really just isn't your scene. But you're not going to tell anyone that now are you? When you are in big crowds people suspect something is up. They suspect their is a Fake House Hipster in their presence. They turn to you and ask you if you caught Bad Man Banana Hammocks gig last month and you say "Yes it was insane." Turns out they just made that up. Sure didn't I tell you not to pretend.
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3) Dance Move Deferral
You used to go for the usual dance moves you would see in Krystle on a Friday night. Sometimes you would even get low. But now this is all beneath you. You would never dance to Chris Brown's Forever nowadays. That is just not your kind of thing. You have deferred those dance moves and instead have a sway and, not just any sway, a deep house sway. You are the boss. Your moves are slick.
4) New Dreams
All of a sudden your dream to be a Scientist will just have to be left at home. You have discovered a talent and you are not going to let it go. You want to be a Dj. The only problem is you don't know the first thing about music. Get back to that library and study how to be a Fake Hipster.
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5) Drug Dilemma
You don't do drugs because you enjoy the effects. You don't do drugs because you need that buzz. You do them because that is what you think hipsters do. Your judgement has become distorted and this is your "sanctuary" now. Your words not mine.
6) Clothes Change
You used to wear bodycon dresses and sky scraper heels. Now, you just can't even remember the last time you didn't wear flats. You have changed your style not because you like it, but, because this is how people who go to these events dress. Your style now is replicated off various individuals you stalk on Facebook and all individuality has gone out the window.
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7) Playlists Vs. Reality
You must have nearly a billion songs on your iPod now isn't that right? But, the real you has to be hidden in there somewhere. You have got the house playlist, the nights out playlist but oh what do we have here the untitled 1 playlist. What do you know? It is full of the music you actually like. We have caught you, you sneaky little hamster.
8) Hygiene Hypocricy
See the issue here is you actually don't know any Real Hipsters. So, your ideas of what they are actually like is far different to what they really are. You reckon they don't shower and their messy up do is from a week shower break. This leads to you taking your hygiene to drastic measures, and, you used to be so nice and clean.
9) Camera Hogging
You need people to know you go to these places. You didn't go to all this effort to become a hipster for no reason now did you? So, as God as your witness, you will do one thing and one thing only. You will follow around the cameraman like a puppy dog. They will take a photo of you and it will be epic. Your hands will be in the air, you will be looking to the side and smiling. Because that is what a Real Hipster would do.
