Coming To Acceptance With A Loved One's Terminal Illness

Hero; an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles

– Christopher Reeve

It doesn’t even feel right to type.

‘Cancer’ and my dad are two things that were never meant to be associated with each other. We grow up with this underlying feeling of immunity. Even though we all have awareness that no person has an endless life span, we still pursue everyday without contemplating the thought of no tomorrow. We grow up dreaming of the future and our parents and loved ones inspire us to do so. They care for us, and provide us with the stepping stones we need for later life.
Some people though are not fortunate enough to have parents, or their parents may not do as much for them as you would expect a parent to do.
I am thankful and lucky enough to admit that my dad and of course my mom are the ultimate parents. I couldn’t think of a moment even if I really tried where my dad didn’t put everyone else before himself. Not just for our immediate family, but for nephews, nieces, cousins and close friends.

But that is the type of individual my dad is. Husband, Father, Hotelier, Golfer, Barman, Musician, Businessman and a West Clare man until the end.

But I am sad to say that as humans our tendency to be oblivious when it comes to the future can be a blessing and a downfall. Although I realise the sacrifices and the great things my parents have done for us, and the fantastic upbringing we received as children, it is human nature to perhaps take these things for granted. It’s not natural to think about morbid things like death or illness or to put a life span on people. This is also however what leads us to be blind until the worst possible scenario hits and we are brought firmly down to earth.

It started last after last Christmas, dad decided to go into the doctors for some tests and an x-ray. The initial x-ray showed a shadow on dad’s lung. An earth shattering moment for us all. How could my dad, my hero, have a shadow on his lungs?

We all decided to stay optimistic, as everyone around us advised us to be. It could be a tiny tumour that could be easily removed. Perhaps it was a shadow of something previous that was long gone.

Perhaps it was a mistake.

As a person sometimes I find it hard to bridge the gap between optimism and realism. I wanted to stay positive, not really for myself, but for everyone else around me. My parents wanted us to continue our lives are normal so I continued with my plans for the summer, stay in my university town, get a part time job, then go travelling to celebrate finishing college. I had to continue my life as normally as possible because my parents asked me to but it was painfully difficult. Putting pressure on myself to enjoy my summer, whether it was birthdays or travelling. When in reality and deep down I just didn’t care about anything else but knowing my dad would be alright, but in the end between my indecisiveness, trying to keep the normality and wanting things to be the way I imagined them, trying to act as if things were normal was the biggest stressor of all. All I wanted was normality back and the entire time I just had this looming feeling constantly in the back of my head.

It was not a mistake.

Cancer.

I felt furious when I got the call, I could feel the blood rushing to my head. Furious that someone who had so much light such as my dad could have something like this happen to him. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t supposed to happen to him or to our family. Check the results again maybe there was a mistake, maybe its not him.

Denial.

The news got worse and worse, it went from a spot in one lung, to the two lungs and his oesophagus.

I checked my lists and the research I had done, it seemed impossible to remove the area or the lung as the cancer had spread so much. I was shaking. It kept spreading, every time we went into the doctors more had appeared. It was like a living nightmare.

Palliative Care.

Months in hospice away from our home, rounds and rounds of chemotherapy.

Denial.

He lost his beautiful voice, the doctor told us he would never sing again.

I think its safe to say when you’re used to a sense of normality with someone so close to you who has been a rock your whole life, and all of a sudden they start to go through this terrible process you feel more vulnerable than you ever have before. But its not a time for you to think of yourself. You have to focus on what’s important and that is that individual. Even if all that individual cares about more than anything in the world is his family and their happiness.

That is what breaks my heart every time. Even when faced with bad news every time he went into the hospital for an update, all he cared about was us. What we were doing, how we were, how our friends were doing, who was cooking for us now he wasn’t at home. But that isn’t his job anymore, for the first time in our lives we are the ones who have to look after him.

The most selfless man I know.

When we got the news that Dad’s cancer was not treatable it took a very long time to sink in. All the research and lists seemed pointless. You can go years and years living your life without a care in the world until something like this comes along and turns it upside down. And the scariest thing was that I couldn’t do anything about it, we were all helpless. My dad who I had not imagined my life or any scenario in it without, who as every girl imagines would walk her down the aisle one day couldn’t be helped. How awful it feels to have someone looking after you your whole life, then to know you can’t return the favour.

It has taken many months, months where I have distracted myself and kept myself busy to accept the scenario we all face, many others have faced, and many others will face again. And I hope I can help inspire hope in others going through similar scenarios with some of the things I’ve learnt.

Coping:

Step one: sometimes the person won’t want to talk about the disease – and that is alright

In trying to understand this life-altering, life-threatening disease, I dived into the research. I wanted to know the statistics, the risks and benefits associated with every treatment option, the side effects my dad would face, and the potential for alternative choices. For a long time, my dad’s cancer was top of my mind, no matter what else was happening in my own life. But while immersion in the topic was my coping mechanism, my dad had a very different method of dealing: living his life as normally as possible, no matter the anxiety, pain or nausea.
And though I know my dad suffers, trying to maintain his old lifestyle while battling against a life-or-death disease, I learned that he found hope in his ability to overpower the cancer. The best way to help my dad was not to focus on the elephant in the room, but rather, it was to focus on him, despite the elephant in the room.

Step two: The majority of people don’t really know how to support someone in such a scenario – and that is alright

Following my dad’s diagnosis with lung cancer, I lost friends. Especially for someone of my age, cancer is uncomfortable to talk about – an unfortunate thought, yet understandable; the same as any life altering situation would be. Therefore, you may start to feel very alone. Few of my friends knew what to say to me — whether to ask about my dad or avoid the topic for fear of upsetting me.

Unfortunately, rather than simply express their support, many of those individuals faded out of my life. But even as some friendships diminished, those that were most valuable to me developed and grew. That is what we as a family are most thankful for, and I like to think those friends who are reading this, know who they are.

Step three: My dad will never be the same again – and that is alright

Since the day I realised I knew how to love, I loved my dad - I loved my whole family. My dad was my go-to partner in crime and he gave me the greatest gifts of all, my incredible family, the best upbringing possible on the Isle of Man and of course my home in Ireland.
But today, dad can’t handle all that activity, he can’t travel home. He’s weaker than he once was. His body is fragile. But he’s also stronger than ever. His spirit is resilient and his determination to live is steadfast. Dad is not the same person he was a few months ago. He’s better.

Step four: I will never be the same again – and that is alright.

At some point in my life, I was carefree. I had a plan, and I knew exactly how I would wind up at my destination. I wanted to emigrate with my friends to Australia and do a master’s degree. But my dad’s diagnosis took me off my straightforward path and onto one full of detours and obstacles. Though I can’t say I’ve appreciated each twist and turn along the way, I can say that I appreciate each moment that has brought me to today.
Prior to my dad’s diagnosis, death was something that happened to other people. Death was reserved for the old. But over the past few months, I’ve learned that death is just as much unavoidable as it is unpredictable. I can’t imagine that losing a loved one would ever be easy, but my hope in writing this is that I can help people through one of the most painful experiences of their lives but helping them realise that they are not alone.
I never in a millions years will say I am thankful for this scenario, because it has brought my family a lot of immense pain and heartbreak, but I am grateful for the perspective it’s enabled me to gain. My life will never be the same because I’ll be happier appreciating the blessings in my life — like my family, those close to us and my friends who have really been there for me.

Conclusion:

So my advice for coping with a loved one who may be suffering from an illness such as cancer is this, it’s not going to be easy, and every scenario will be different. I do believe however most of all you need to appreciate time. You will have plenty of time to mourn when you become faced with the inevitable, so be there for the person in need when they are here, in the now. Make every day count. Some people lose family and friends in the blink of an eye and don’t get to say goodbye.
Learn to try and accept even though it may take time that although things may never be the same again, you must appreciate the good in what you’ve had, and do your best to make the present and future equally great to the best of your ability.
Life throws us curveballs; no one is immune to bad scenarios. But it is how these scenarios make us grow as individuals that is important.
This also takes time, and each person heals differently, one cannot look at another and become saddened that they cannot cope as well as them; it takes support and it takes strength. And I wish to anyone else who is going through what I am going through right now, although you may not feel strong enough to cope, I hope you will gain that strength and be the strongest individual in the world, not just for yourself, but for your parents, family and close friends too.