Sarcastic Relationship Advice From Your Teenage Self

Things were so much easier when we were lovestruck teenagers. The most serious aspect of any relationship back then, was still texting the same person you shifted down the local underage drinking fest, three weeks on. Now, things are very different. Everyone's getting pregnant, well actually, no, it's not that different there. If only 15 year old you could see loved up or indeed, single twenty something you, here is the advice you would give yourself:

1) X's Are Key To Success.

A mark of any serious relationship back in the pre, real life days, was the number of x's you sent or received at the end of your messages.The first few texts (most likely to someone you've never met or have met, but were too shitfaced on Blue Wkds to remember), were tricky territory. Too many and you looked desperate, too few and they puuuuuure wouldn't even think you liked them. After a while, usually a period of two days, you settled into familiar territory and a solid five ex's were the new normal. XOXO

2) Who Is The Other Half Of You?

Oohhh now this really meant something. It was the adult equivalent of being engaged. It meant business. It meant love. It meant everything. Every fifteen year old dreamed of being asked to be the other half of somebody. There was nothing more satisfying that putting that little declaration of love up there for the world to see, friends texting you minutes later to excitedly ask all about your mystery man or woman. Looking back, it was all a bit severe, someone as your other half when they've probably known that takeaway in their fridge for longer but alas, it was beautiful while it lasted.


3) Showcase Your Love At Every Given Chance.

PDA's mean that you're in love. In fact, if you're not licking one another's face, it's all a complete sham. This is never more evident that on a night out, be it down the local discho or hiding in the corner of the pub, nursing a pint of fat frog. See those young wans dry humping on another, drool flying as a result of too much shifting? Now they could teach you a thing or two about love. For example, they know that if people can see it from the opposite side of the room, then it must be real.

4) Pet Names Are An Essential Aspect Of Any Relationship.

I LUfF Mií HuNnI Sooo MUcH....Ahhhhhhh classic teenage talk. Perhaps this was because both parties had a number of babes on the go at the same time and all of the overlapping meant that trying to remember another name was too much. Sticking to 'babe, hun, love, baby' or any other cringe worthy pet names, meant it was foolproof to be a serial lover.


5) The Sluttier You Dress, The More Love You Will Receive.

By todays standards, we all dressed like nuns  back in the day, but by God, we thought we were the bees knees and the slutty cat's pyjamas.Wearing tight jeans under a mass worthy dress was 'racy' and a strappy top basically meant you were up for anything. More flesh, more success.  If the shoulders were out, you were going to get lucky tonight love.

6) Always Be Yourself, Apart From Your Natural, Make Up Free Self, Because That's Rank.

Looking back at pictures of your younger self, prepare to cry a little inside. Yes, at the time, green eyeshadow and an orange face was hot, now, not so much. Also, letting someone you lurrved see you without make up, was the worst thing that could happen to you, ever. Oh my god, imagine the sight of your pale, absent from green, face. IMAGINE THE SHEER HORROR.


7) Shifting And Drifting Is So Last Year, Committed Relationships Are In.

There comes a stage in life where you decide to settle down and stop playing the field. This usually happens in your mid to late twenties or thirties. You also have what is more commonly known as a 'false start ' to this, in your teenage years, when you decide that the life of a playaa is not for you, until, five weeks in, this becomes too much and you resume a life of being the teenage lothario of Castlebar.

8) Being Cupid Is Your Main Talent In Life And You Should Probably Pursue It As A Career.

Setting up friends was oh so satisfying as a teenager. You could go on double/ triple/ quadruple dates. Oh how endless the possibilities were.  You set up failed couple after failed couple, never faltering in the hope that one will somehow be a match. In fact, when one of these trail and error relationships stand the test of time (one month?), you begin to think that you have a new and unbelievable talent for matchmaking. You can already foresee your future summers spent hatching love plans down in Lisdoonvarna. Talent.


9) A Minimum Of Fifty Texts A Day Must Be Sent, Or It Is Not True And Viable Love.

Remember the gut wrenching fear that you experienced when you babbez didn't reply within ten minutes? "Oh my god, this wanker is cheating on me right now, I just know it, I'm going to text them again and tell them exactly what I think about them, the shiity little prick". Sadface, tb hun.x

10) Putting Out Does Not Make You Easy, It Makes You Unbelievably Cool.

Every school had the cool, slutty people. You know the ones, they waltzed around filling us all with their tales of riding half the town red. We used to gaze at them in awe, wonder how the did it, wonder who they did. Take comfort in the fact that they're probably a parent by now. Now go get some.


11) They Say Personality Is The Most Important Thing, But Looks Are All That Really Matter.

Oh yeah, personality is everything alright but can you take a personality for a walk around the town to make everyone green with envy? Can you fuck. You went out there, you found the hottest babe you could, you showed them off like a prize pet, you were cheated on, you were dumped. Still proud of yourself though. Admit it.

12) Begin A Romance Around Christmas/ Valentines/ Your Birthday And Reap The Present Rewards.

Remember the envy we all felt towards those present wielding wankers around the prime present receiving time? "Oh what did you get for Christmas?" "Oh I just got a sexy, thoughtful present, what about you?" "Oh my Mam bought me a one for all voucher." Well that can't really compete now can it. Again, comfort  yourself with the knowledge that soon, they'll be stuck with wasting their precious money on crap in return. Meanwhile you're there drinking it away in peace. Ahhh revenge.

Alison Keogh
Article written by
Alison decided to follow a sensible career route and chose to study Media. She happens to think of herself as a kind of Irish Beyonce after four Coronas, which usually results in her being deserted on the dance-floor by her loving friends. Her horrifically short attention span seeps into many aspects of her life, resulting in her half hearing important facts and hating people who walk at a leisurely pace.

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