Oh hello there morning after death, we've been dreading you since we began drinking last night. It's only when you're lying in your sweat covered state of desperation, that you genuinely consider your Granny's advice to become a pioneer, genuinely that is, until next Saturday night when you'll ruin your life all over again. Here are the signs you ruined your life last night;
11) Smashed Phone Syndrome
You roll over on your death bed in the desperate search for your phone. Oh thank god, there it is. Oh sweet merciful Baby J. Wait a minute, no no no, wait a minute. WHO THE HELL SMASHED MY PHONE? I'm going to spare you the time you'll waste blaming your friends. It was you. Remember when you decided to take a selfie "from above". It was too far above. Your phone paid that price. Bring back the 3310's and we'd never have this problem.
10) New Photo Friends
Depending on how badly you ruined your phone, you may or may not be able to view the multitude of photos you decided to take last night. Who are all of these old men you are hugging? Why are you twerking up against your toilet friends leg? These are questions that will never be answered. Thank God for random new friends. Random new friends can't tag you.
9) Old Absent Friends
You have come to the safe conclusion that because it's twelve o'clock and none of your friends have rang you, that last night you must have drunkenly turned on them all one by one and that now, you have no friends. That's right. You've ruined eight years of friendship in one drunken night. That is the most rational train of thought after all.
8) Old Present Friends
Your smashed, selfie infested phone rings. It's your friends. OH THANK GOD. You're not alone in the world after all. They proceed to tell you that you were "hilarious last night". This is not what you want to hear but does that stop them? Does it fuck. You thought you were a sort of 'Beyonce meets Micheal Jackson meets Superman', it seems. You also decided that budgeting your wages for the next three weeks was vastly unimportant and therefore that buying drinks for approximately 34 percent of the bar was the sensible thing to do. Oh wonderful.
7) Money Money Money
After hearing all about your spending frenzy, you have come to terms with the fact that it's time to check your wallet (if you still have one then congratulations.) Oh Christ. This is bad. You have now got a grand total of six euro to live on for a week and a chicken fillet roll costs at least half of that. Then suddenly, a flash of hope. Is that a bulge of paper we see? Could this be, dare we say it, a sneaky little fiver? Oh please God, please God, I promise I'll go to mass every Sunday for the next week if it is. It is not. It is just receipts from your voyage of self ruin via long island iced teas and pints. Thanks God, appreciate it.
6) Drunk Texts
What better way to ensure your feet are firmly on the path of life destruction, than to read your drunk texts from last night. "Csom banluom", "I mass yhu" or even elaborately thought out song lyrics all heighten the fear that you have ruined your life last night. There is no point in sending apology texts to all of your victims. Maybe just to the ones you rang. The fact that you attempted to "sing" to them deserves that much at least.
5) Broken Body
After hours of contemplation, you decide that now is the time to get up. Food and hydration are calling you. You stand up. Although hangovers are famed for turning even the most rational of human beings into dramatic divas, you are not exaggerating when you say that it feels as though you have been severely beaten with a hurley and were then fucked over the side of Croke Patrick. Your head feels frighteningly fragile, your legs feel as though you've ripped every muscle within and your skin is dotted with more bruises than it is fake tan. Just go back to bed and weep.
4) Smoke and Mirrors
Despite the fact that you wouldn't touch a cigarette on a day to day basis, get six pints into you and it seems like the best idea since pyramid teabags were launched. Sure when you're out, why not spend an extra nine euro on a box of wonderfully healthy death sticks. It's only when you either find a packet in your pocket the next day, see yourself tagged in a picture whilst proudly puffing away or struggle to actually breathe, that you come to the conclusion that yes, you really have ruined your life (and lungs.)
3) Unrequited Love
Just when you think that things can't possibly get any worse for you, your phone goes off again. It would appear that someone got lucky last night. So lucky in fact, that you seem to have handed out your number to no less than three different people, all of whom you apparently "had fun" with. You have no recollection of any of this and to make it even worse, you have no recollection of their names because they are saved in your phone as "some beure", "arms" and "creep", or something to that affect. How awkward.
2) Vom All Over The Shop
If you're a tidy drunk, then I can only offer my sincere admiration and jealousy to you. I hate you. We all do. We just want to be you, because there is nothing more soul destroying than having to change your vom/ make up/ tan covered sheets, clean your bathroom and go on the search for those hidden from sight but not smell, curry cheese chips, all whilst in a state of severe pain. So could you come and help us now? Please?
1) Spilled Secrets
I think we're all familiar with that heart stopping moment when we get a flashback of spilling our innermost secrets to our probably less drunk friend in the toilet cubicle, whilst we took turns downing that sneaky naggin. Maybe science can explain this one because I sure as shit cannot. I really don't know why once we're in any way drunk, we feel the need to unload our deepest, darkest secrets to our friends. Just try and convince yourself that they were drunk too and everything will be ok. Until you see them again.