The Beginners Guide To Being Pretentious

Do it in public

First off the bat, being pretentious is pointless if people can't see you doing it so you will need extreme confidence to attempt this courageous act...

Get rid of some of your friends..

Perhaps the ones that are too similar to your pretentiousness, they will only drag you down and make you sad.. you will acquire a new set of fully pretentious friends that will fit your needs. You will however need to retain at least 3 or 4 of your current friends as a gauge for your new friends as to how pretentious you actually are..and to hang around with when you need a little pretentious perk up

Shop in "Vintage Shops"


Yes we get it you get all of your clothes in charity shops...except your underwear..which come from dunnes..which you refer to as *french accent* san bernard..

Don’t smile...EVER

By smiling you are leaving the world know that you have the slightest bit of interest in it....smiling is a sign of weakness...weakness is a sign of bowing to the smiling..

Wear your sunglasses....ALWAYS


When it’s raining, when you're hungover (obviously), in the bar, watching tele, during coitus...etc.etc

Don’t answer questions....

But when you do...answer them with a question...or some ridiculously philosophised answer..

"The original was better"..


Get used to using this phrase a lot. Their earlier stuff was better, the book was better, the first film was better, my first girlfriend was...actually, better be careful with that last one..

Have an annoying taste in music..

Pick a band that are obscure but that have the potential to become big, you don't even have to like their music...once they break into the mainstream abandon all interest and ridicule others for liking them. (not every band will make it so its best to always have at least 4 or 5 in rotation, not that those figures are tried and tested but the mainstream isn't necessarily commercial to pretentious folk...they might have just gone and played in a different venue)

Have an annoying taste in everything else..


Look at people with a confused but slightly offended face and correct them where necessary..

Change your diet..

Something like this should suffice..

* Note - Jesus....has he any idea what that makes him look like...


Form a cult..

Or some form of group that share certain interests...

Eat Quinoa..

For no other reason than to correct people when they pronounce it kin-oh-ah..of course it's pronunciation is keen-wah...*sigh


Get out the thesaurus..

You'll need to start using words such as Vibey and Perf...and Pusillanimous if you're to hold down a decent convo

Open a pop up shop..

Like these choclateer brothers did in New York..If only for just for a few months until the next fad arisies...


Become a life-coach..

Once your dreams of becoming Willy Wonka subside you may want to start giving your advice to people on how to lead their dull lives... video blogging will be an ideal way to start the demand for your services..

Never agree with anything.

Whats the point, you know the correct solution to everything ..unless someone also has the same opinion as you...even then you can argue the opposite just to test out their argument..


Become a grammar Nazi..

Inspired by your iPhones auto correct...

An alternative mode of transport

A car is a no no, bicycles are out, even fixies are so last penny farthings are where it's at...apparently! But get yours quickly, before the market is saturated...


Support obscure football teams...

With Borussia Dortmund having "gone mainstream", blatantly turning their back on hipsters the world over  by having the audacity to appear in last years Champions League Final, you will need to pick a new obscure team to support...current favourites include Atletico Madrid, Schalke and to an extent Liverpool (their exiting attack has clouded the lines between mainstream and pretentiousness) after the wearing out of teams such as St. Pauli, Atlethic Bilbao and Swansea by other football hipsters...

Sport some form of facial hair

The beard is at a weird crossover stage at the moment so you may want to consider so alternatives, muttonchops may not be a bad choice to resurrect etc mutton chop murderer


Hijack a Facebook thread

This shall be your baptism of fire, with an opinion based on only having read one article on the huffington post you should completely take over  a ridicule everyone

Never refer to yourself as pretentious..

Or a matter how obscure you eventually become


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Colin O'Dwyer
Article written by
Media graduate, music nut, musician and connoisseur of the skinny jean. Would've made a better Batman than Affleck!!

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