This article does not contain locations that are known for being truly horrific, rather it is more a selection of destinations I have encountered that would cause you in your flowery little holiday shorts to utterly void your bowels in terror and confusion. In part one, I will begin with the obvious choice.
Disneyland Paris opened in 1992 as a means of moving paedophiles from Paris’s city centre out into the sprawling suburbs. It has been a glorious metropolis of entertainment for them ever since. As well as delighting the auld Gary
Glitters, it has provided parents the opportunity to have their children adopted permanently by Mickey Mouse and his terrifying, acid-dropping cronies.
Why I find this wonderful place a wee bit horrifying lies with the fact that children are quite bewildering and evil. A child is an organism that can be in total ecstasy doing things like jumping incessantly and robbing garden worms of their dignity. Where are the cans? Where is the undeserved sense of smugness followed by the monologue on why what they are studying in college is going to help them actualise their potential? What is going on?!
Another reason why DisneyLand Paris is morally objectionable is how fucking early you have to get there to avoid the queues to Space flipping Mountain. Only when you get on the ride do you realise what you've gotten yourself into and that after you escape this colourful steel death machine, wipe away the tears, vomit, poo and wee, they give you a marvellous photo of you blowing Pizza Planet chunks on your own legs.
If you are a fan of endless perpetual gale-force burping and the screaming, teething, sugared-up offspring of desperate parents trying to globalise their children, then Disneyland Paris is definitely the destination for you. If you want to entertain your children for a day but don’t entirely feel up to being traumatized for the next six years of your life, take my advice, save your money and visit Fort Lucan. They have crazy golf.
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