As I drove down the N3 on Sunday, the weather was damp but quite warm. I passed a lorryload of straw as it pulled into Lisgrey House just past Virginia. As I turned right at the Billis, the thought suddenly struck me - arse in the most versatile word in the English language.
By the time I'd pulled onto my home street, I'd already thought of over 20 uses. Observe...
1. Lost the arse
Meaning: When normality is interrupted by a sudden plunge into madness or by some other, unplanned occurrence. Quite similar to the phrase 'Lost the plot.'
In use: 'How'd the match go?' 'Well we played well in the first half but then after the restart they got a goal and we absolutely lost the arse.'
2. You rubbed your arse to it
Meaning: To not perform a task to the best of your ability.
In use: 'You told me you'd finished painting that fence!? You rubbed your arse to it, is what you did!'
3. Arsing about the place
Meaning: Time poorly spent
In use: 'I was arsing about the place for the last two hours, waiting on yee!'
4. The arse fell out of it
Meaning: Not too dissimilar to 'lost the arse', this refers to something that was going well but then quickly went awry.
In use: 'We had plans to go to Coppers on Friday night but then the arse fell out of it.'
5. I couldn't be arsed
Meaning: Not bothered.
In use: 'We had plans to go to Coppers on Friday night but I couldn't be arsed.'
6. Kiss me arse
Meaning: Vehemently refusing to do or accept something.
In use: 'John wants to know if you would like to go to Coppers on Friday night?' 'Tell him to kiss me arse!'
7. They're up their own arse
Meaning: They think quite highly of themselves.
In use: 'Why does nobody ever talk to anyone in Hufflepuff?' 'Never mind them, they're up their own arse!'
8. They're up your arse
Meaning: Someone behind you is getting quite close
In use: 'Take the next left but watch out for that Ford Focus behind you, they're right up your arse.'
9. He/She has their head up your arse
Meaning: They're trying to suck up to you
In use: 'John says my cranberry sauce was lovely. Pay no heed to him, he has his head up your arse.'
10. Get your head out of your arse
Meaning: Take account of the world around you.
In use: 'If you could get your head out of your arse for five minutes you'd realise that I've bought the last six boxes of teabags in a row.'
11. Arse over elbow
Meaning: To fall over.
In use: I thought I was managing to walk ok in the heels but next thing I was arse over elbow on Harcourt Street.
12. Arse biscuits
Meaning: A mild expression of upset at something not going well.
In use: 'I can't find my shoes. Arse biscuits!
13. He/She's such an arse
Meaning: Someone who is unreasonable and an all-round unfriendly human being.
In use: 'Conor is after eating every Malteser in the box of Celebrations. He's such an arse.'
14. He/She's lost for a good kick up the arse
Meaning: A lazy person who should be put to work post haste.
In use: 'Is Michael still in bed at this hour? He's lost for a good kick up the arse!'
15. Hairy around the arse
Meaning: The state of being hungover
In use: 'How are you after last night?' 'Ah I was a bit hairy around the arse this morning but ok now.'
16. Pain in the arse
Meaning: Someone who is causing annoyance.
In use: 'Stop being such a pain in the arse and iron your own Goddamn shirt!'
17. Arse end of nowhere
Meaning: A popular destination for those not quite sure of where they're going
In use: 'We took a wrong turn about ten miles back and ended up in the arse end of nowhere.'
18. I will in my arse
Meaning: I won't
In use: 'Will you put out the bins?' 'I will in my arse.'
19. I'd eat a farmer's arse through a gate
Meaning: I'm very very hungry
In use: 'Would you eat?' 'Eat!? I'd eat a farmer's arse through a gate!'
20. A load of arse
Meaning: Something wasn't as good as first hoped.
In use: 'Did you enjoy the film?' 'It was a load of arse.'
21. That's arse!
Meaning: Used in particular when protesting against some sort of injustice.
In use: 'I'm sorry, the bar is closed.' 'That's arse!'
22. Pulled that out of my arse
Meaning: To conjure up something out of nowhere.
In use: I really pulled this article out of my arse.
Meaning: An exclamation for when something goes wrong.
In use: Arse!
Meaning: Another word for one's posterior.
In use: Does my arse look big in this?