The 90's were such as simple decade. Obviously at the time they were tough, we were just coming out of a recession and perms were in fashion, but there was a smell of change in the air, things were moving on up as the M-People would sing (nostalgia got the better of me there, sorry.) Back then there was none of this technology crap to worry about, as long as we had our scrunchie and our popper buttoned tracksuit matched correctly, then we could take on the world. I sometimes wonder what would happen if 90's us could be transported into 2014. We'd most likely shit our tracksuit to be honest. Here are some of the things that 90's you would not understand in 2014;
Where did this whole hastag business come from? Why? Who decided that we'd put what used to be the last button on a keypad, in front of a load of words with no space in between and that it'd be the cool new thing. This makes no fucking sense in either time period when you really think about it. If we wanted something said in the nineties we roared it, less of this hashtag shite now.
10) But First, Let Me Take Six Selfies
This whole selfie trend needs to stop. I am sorry if this makes me sound positively middle aged,but I don't really care. Yes, we get that you're a complete skinny babe, but there's really no need to flood our news feed with 65 images of your perfection every day. I think the world need more non photo happy people. Bring back the days of one camera per house and God forbid you waste the film.
9) Sorry, can't talk. On my phone.
Oh hello people of 2014. Why, may I ask, do you none of you appear to have the social skills required to hold a conversation without frequent phone breaks. Is there a chance that you may die if you don't check on your phone every 15 seconds? Ah, that must be it. Speaking of phones by the way, what the fuck kind of phone is that? Why are there no buttons on it and why is it made of glass? Bring me back to the good old days of the catchy 'Baby I'm ready to go' jingle.
8) You Have Been Tagged In Seven(teen) Photos
Facebook was founded in 2004 but by the time the vast majority of us had joined, it was 2009 and we thought we were the shit. Bebo was so last year. What the hell is Beb...Oh we don't have enough time for all of this, but the moral of the story is, Facebook has become a fantastic place to keep up with long lost friends and knobs from school, knobs who insist on 'checking in' to everywhere from the kitchen table, to their bed. It has also become a platform for people to express their wonderfully bad, but overall enlightening opinions on the world. It makes no sense, we know, but the creeping alone makes it all worth it.
7) Lov3 Yewww So Much Hunni xoxo
The nineties were a much simpler time to be in love. The closest thing to a PDA back then, was to hold hands, but not in your local town. God knows what they'd all say about that. You got married to your first serious partner and had 4 little rascals, all named a variation of Paddy or Mary. There was none of this living together before marriage or having loads of photos taken on holidays, back then. No way. If Facebook had been around in the nineties, you can bet your rosary beads that your Facebook profile photo wouldn't have been of you mauling the face off your worse half. VOM.
6) Lost In Translation
Our language has evolved beyond repair. 'Like' peppers every sentence we utter and we have no one to thank but American television. Fuck you satellite dish. It was all so much easier back in the day, when all we had to choose between was 'The Den' or, oh no wait, that was all we had. Unless you were posh and had Nickelodeon until 12 in the afternoon, swit swoo, get you. It was more than worth getting up early to see Sweet Valley High and Saved by The Bell. Also "totes, amaze, omg, lol, wtf, selfie and yolo" did not exist. My, those were the good times.
5) Dressed To Un-Impress
Mother of God, if only we'd known what we would become. Pure schluts, that's what. Back in 1993, the most risque fashion choice you could make was to raise the aul skirt above the shin bone or stitch a few sneaky sequins on the shell suit, you little divil you. Now we're regularly greeted with the sight of arse cheeks escaping from what are really just glorified knickers, side boob and not to mention front boob. Advice from your nineties self? Put some clothes on please and thank you.
4) Reality Television
Reality television is one of those things that just seemed to pop up out of nowhere and then slowly began to bleed it's way into public consciousness and has now ruined us all. Whereas once we had the luxury of escaping our own deary lives by watching another wedding ruined in Soapland, now our televisions are cluttered up with brain dead, steroid heads getting shitfaced for three months solid. Our nineties selves wouldn't have been amused quite so easily we reckon.
3) Lack Of Bacon And Cabbage
The most exotic food we had back in the nineties was crispy pancakes and microwavable chips and we were more than happy with that. If dinner didn't include potatoes, well then it wasn't a real dinner. Then the boom years came along and now we're left with pesto, hand-cut chips and double shot machiatto's to go. In short, we've lost the run of ourselves and it's time we went back to the days of considering an Uncle Bens Curry to be a pure exotic culinary delight.
2) RIP Light Up Runners
A 90's you might be a little unsure of how to get around in modern day life because there are NO LIGHT UP RUNNERS anymore to guide you through. Light up runners were the absolute shit. We should start a petition to bring these bad boys back, once and for all. If all of the drunk girls out there wore light up runners instead of nosebleed inducing high shoes that they are unable to walk in, the world would be a much more fun and well lit.
1) Rejection Central
Back in the nineties being rejected was so much easier to handle, all due to one word. Denial. If they didn't call you, then it was obviously because they couldn't get through, "GET OFF THE PHONE MAMMY". Oh the sheer joy of having only one phone for the entire house, the best was if you were one of those unfortunates who had their phone in the kitchen, then the whole family could monitor your calls. Nowadays it's all so difficult, they saw that Facebook message but the bastard didn't reply. IT'S ALL OVER.