What Working Monday To Friday Is Really Like

We're at Wednesday now, commonly known as hump day because of its difficulty getting through, or over if your using the metaphor literally, but just remember, the week is almost over and Christmas is right around the corner, which means lots of time off.


There are things they don't tell you about the real world once you leave college. Certain absolute truths, laid bare and naked before you become very evident shortly after entering the 'day in day out' world of employment. There are no text books and there is no internet forum where you can go and find answers. Google is useless. Your parents might have mentioned a few of them to you once or twice but who really listens to their parents about that kind of thing? The only way these things will become real is when you experience them. Monday to Friday gainful employment is not all it's cracked up to be and the working week takes on a form very much different to anything you've experienced before. The only way your author can try and frame what he is talking about is through analogy. So let's have a look at what Monday to Friday looks like after college when you're not one of those people lucky enough to not have a job.



Monday is a blurry medium dark blue, the kind you get after you filled a form in blue ink without seeing the instructions - black only, so trace over the blue ink with a black pen.

Feel like...


Mondays feel like chewing on your tongue whilst being kicked down stairs and smells of a lingering expulsion of flatulence generated by that curry you ate last night that left your toilet weeping inconsolably for hours afterwards.

Taste like...


It begins tasting of tears in the morning and quickly develops into the taste of rancid anchovies by mid morning.

Sound like...


In song form, Monday is a Bieber, Rebecca Black and Niki Minaj remix, that hasn't been auto tuned.

At a party...


At a party Monday is that creepy guy who's the childhood friend of a friend who stands in the corner clutching a single lonely can and his crotch, staring creepily at girls. He won't talk, only answering your stunted efforts at making conversation monosyllabically. Craicless and like sex with a starfish, Mondays are not worth it and you just want it to be over.

Things that are likely to happen to you on Mondays:


You step on a plug barefooted, you pour cereal but there's no milk, the postman delivers bills, the Internet in the gaff won't work.

Did you know?


On Mondays, your author cries himself awake?



Tuesday is a light pale blue.

Feel like...


It feels like relief in some ways because that bastard Monday is as far away from messing with your shit as it can be. However, Mondays are traumatic and recovery is not that simple. This is why Tuesday feels like walking around all day with pins and needles in your feet and an arm that's asleep.

Smell like...


It smells of socks that are borderline re-wearable and tastes of post garlic cheese fries burps, the ones where just a little bit of sick comes up too.

In song form...


Tuesday is a James Blunt ballad on a radio where the dial is out of reach; you know the words, you know they're shit, but you can't unknow them so you sing along anyway, hating yourself.

At a party....


Tuesday is that familiar person with whom you share mutual friends but have never engaged in conversation, even though you've been at loads of the same parties, you both know each others name and have made eye contact several times tonight. It's just at that point where you've let it go so long, you both know it and neither of you can be fucked. Unlike Monday, the ability to laugh returns on a Tuesday with one caveat: it is strictly reserved for other people's misfortunes...the photocopier not working for you is not funny, but when it doesn't work for anyone else, hilarious. Tuesdays are like sex with that person you've had sex with once before, years ago. You don't know how it happened back then and doing it now is only reminding you why you didn't go back for seconds.

Things that can happen to you on Tuesdays:


The first sip of coffee pours straight down your shirt, the old lady next door asks you to do a few errands for her even though the football is on, there is no food in the fridge for dinner

Did you know?


On Tuesdays, your author watches fail compilations to make himself feel better



Wednesdays are legal pad yellow and inoffensive. You're in the middle of things and the days ahead of you are much better than the days behind you so there's a cautious optimism about where you're at.

Feel like...


They feel like getting back an essay you really didn't put that much effort into and seeing a low 2.1 stamped across the top of it - job done, nothing to worry about.

Smell & Taste like...


Wednesdays smell like shampoo and for the first time since the weekend you feel somewhat clean and caught up on sleep. They taste like a chicken fillet roll with lettuce, cheese, mayo and red onion - standard fare but a little something that makes it seem special.

Sound like...


Wednesdays are the Foo Fighters, good solid inoffensive tunes you don't mind listening to.

At a party...


Wednesdays are all those people you know and are friends on facebook with but don't have their phone number. It's a case of you're alright, you think I'm alright, we'll stop and have a brief chat on the street if we ever bump into each other but aside from that keep walking muchacho. Wednesdays are like an uneventful one night stand. You both wake up and while not disappointed with the whole business, as you pick up your underwear from the floor you're not ecstatic about it either. It is what it is.

Things that can happen to you on Wednesdays


You find that thing that's been missing since Monday, the light in your bathroom stops flickering and maintains a steady light, your housemate makes you dinner

Did you know?


On Wednesdays, your author likes to treat himself to an almond magnum after dinner? A mid-week treat never hurt anyone.



Thursdays are sunset orange and there's a sense of electricity in the air. You cant quite touch it but nothing really bothers you about it and there's a good chance of a few well earned pints after work. Once a month, Thursdays sense of excitement is doubled by virtue of the fact it's payday. A growing anticipation in your stomach converts itself into excitement, like being on the climb part of a killer roller coaster before the big drop and all the mad stuff happens.

Smell like...


Thursdays smell like your mums fry up after a night on the lash; they taste like TriBeCa chicken wings.

Sounds like...


Music wise, Thursdays are like Bloc Party, you just gotta groove with them.

At a party...


At a party, they are like that cool dude that rocks up halfway through the night, carrying a half drank case of cans he's willing to share. He's great craic and sound as a bell in his own right but the essence of your excitement is that if he's here, his even sounder mate who everyone loves should be coming soon. Thursdays are like a visit to a sex buddy. You know what to expect, you both needed the release and have fun with it. There's playful spanking and hair pulling and no need to bolt once its all done because you're comfortable with it all.

Things that can happen on a Thursday:


Spontaneous night out, that person you texted asking for a coffee date says yes, you find €20 in the pockets of those jeans you haven't worn in a while

Did you know?


On Thursdays, your author likes to buy new socks because they feel that damn good!



Fridays are strobe light neon rainbow technicolor. It's the only day you smile before putting on your clothes and the urge to send your alarm clock out your bedroom window is absent because official friday work hours are 930am-1130am. They feel like fresh sheets after a long hot shower, which is the closest earthly equivalent of waking up on a cloud surrounded by puppies and boobs. Those pints from last night were worth it and your "hangover" feels like a pleasant tickle.

Smell & Taste like...


Fridays smell like Jean Paul Gaultier le male. They taste as kobe beef steak covered in truffles would if eaten off Mila Kunis' stomach.

Sound like...


Music wise, Fridays are like the last few songs at Coppers, as experienced without the booze. You've already scored five people so the dopamine is flowing and Journey's 'Don't Stop Believing' has just come on and every last person in place is rocking it out.

At a party...


At a party, Friday is that dude from Thursdays party friend. He's friendly, can talk to anyone, is funny in conversation without forcing it, can play guitar while riding a unicycle made of ecofriendly materials without looking like a hipster, and always seems to have time to help you out. He's friends with 2000people on Facebook and in regular contact with them all. Friday is like sex with the person you've fancied for ages and have waited before having sex with. You've been dating for a month and tonight is your first time together. It was totally worth the wait and they're unreal under the sheets.

Things that can happen on a Friday:


Holidays start, involuntary smiles, free tickets to gigs, an invite to a party from the hot person at work.

Did you know?


On Fridays, your author is in such a good mood he buys animal bars for everyone on his office floor which in turn puts everyone in a good mood because animal bars are the shit!


So there you have it. The working week as experienced emotionally through analogy. You won't find this in any text book.

Ignatius J Reilly
Article written by
I invented the ampersand and question mark.

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