Being hungover is shit. Shitter than shit. It hurts everywhere, you're in physical, not to mention mental pain following flashbacks of last night's adventures and worst of all, you're hallucinating about a chicken fillet roll, but getting out of bed and making that life or death trip to Centra is the biggest decision you'll make all month. You think you'll make yourself feel better and watch that infamous film about others being hungover. You put on The Hangover. This is not a true reflection of your pain. What is happening here? Here's why being hungover is not like 'The Hangover.'
13) Location, Location, Location
Oh to be hungover in Vegas. That would be the dream. There's the lads waking up in a suite the size of Ballina and there's you, squashed against the drink sweat lined walls of your single bed, too afraid and too fragile to turn around and see who else has taken up residence on your bumpy mattress. Oh it's all well and good when you can sit and have breakfast by the pool under the dessert sun isn't it. Yeah well, we're just fine sitting in our weed strewn back garden in Tallaght anyway.
12) Eye Of The Tiger
Oh god what a tough, tough life it must be to wake up to the presence of a bathroom tiger. Happens to us all the time. We practically have a panic attack if the house cat jumps on our bed the morning after. Go away cat, we're too fear ridden to engage in any form of contact and this extends to contact with any small or large animals.
11) Baby Blues
Oh remember that time when we woke up after a night in Diceys and there was a baby Carlos in the press? Oh what a hoot! Thank the lord that this shit has never happened to us. It's hard enough to comfort yourself when you're dying, never mind comforting another tiny human as well. Imagine that crying too. No thank you. The only sobs we want to hear are our own.
10) Marrying A Prostitute
There are undoubtedly many men out there who wouldn't mind waking up married to Heather Graham, after a night on the piss. Sadly for all of you men however, there's about as much of a chance of this happening than there is of us seeing Kimye celebrate their 40th Wedding Anniversary. The fear would be fairly bad though I'd imagine. It's bad enough waking up trying to remember how many people you shifted whilst drifting, being married would really ramp up the fear factor.
9) Missing Friends
We all have a disappearing drunk as a friend. I am that friend. I usually wake up after a night out, with 17 missed calls and a fear that I now have no friends. Whenever our friends go missing on a night out, we just tend to set them free and wish them the best by drinking more. Unless you're one of those groups of girls who can't cry without one another and all go home when one of you is drunk. Cop on. She'll be fine. If you haven't heard from them by the following evening, then maybe give them a ring.They're likely to either be still pissed or they just got lucky. Just hope they're not on the roof sunburned to a crisp. Oh wait, it's raining outside.
We all know an Alan. Not in the extreme Hangover form of actually being roof-ied, but one who likes to slip an extra shot of Jameson into our drink to get us a little drunker. The one who prepares our vodka's by throwing some absinthe in for good measure. If you do have a friend who has roof-ied you the night before though, then I'd be a little more worried.
7) Shitty Stags
Few men out there get to venture to Vegas for their stag. The lads had it well. Irish men are lucky to get to Carrick On Shannon and even at that, few are so privileged. Upon mentioning Vegas to their future wives they get a crash course in how to be brought back down to earth using some lovely language and hand signals. Carrick it is so, less room for premature prostitute marriage disasters there anyway.
6) Police Cars
Let's go and rob a Paddywagon after we've drank all of these shots, said no man ever. First of all, you're probably related to the local guard which would make it slightly awkward and secondly, we're lucky to wake up with our house keys the morning after, having a set of car keys too is asking a bit much really. Fair play to the lads, it was handy the next morning for cruising around Vegas and all but I don't think the boys down in the station would be too impressed with us. Walk of shame on the bus it is.
5) Mike Tyson
There's a knock at the door. You peek your weary head from under the nest you have buried yourself in. "Who could that be"you ponder. It's Mike Tyson. Oh hey there Mike, we've been expecting you. Wait. WHAT THE F? This is not a true reflection of our hangover. The only scary person we have to deal with when we're hungover is our angry housemate whom we apparently sang to. Actually, now would be a very handy time to have Mike about the place...
4) Angry Chinese Men
The lads in Vegas had Mr. Chow scaring the shit out of them for half the film. Now that we think about it, some vague memory of a Chinese man shouting at us, is floating into consciousness. Oh nooooo...We apparently tried to steal our 'Four in One' from Kens. This is not good. Mr. Kens didn't think so either.
3) Beautiful Bradley
The worst hangover in the world could surely be cured by the mere presence of Bradley Cooper. Oh Bradley please come and solve the mystery of how the hell we spent €95 euro, apparently kissed no less then five men and angered the entire population of our house, all within the space of six hours. Then please spoon away our pain. Thanks love.
2) Photo Fear
After watching 'The Hangover' I think it's safe to say that many of us have felt betrayed by our so called 'friends' who insist in tagging us lying in a pool of our own saliva on Harcourt Street. It made us all want to befriend the lads who made the sensible decision to looks through their photos together and then delete them all. Why the actual fuck can't everyone do this. Why do girls love to show the world images of us looking like puke personified. DELETE.
1) Missing Tooth
Ever woken up without your front tooth? Unless you have dentures, in which case you're excluded from this conversation. I can't imagine that it'd be too nice. Waking up and not being able to find your handbag is bad enough, the sight of a gappy smile wouldn't be the best thing to witness in your dehydrated state of mind. How the hell does that even happen. A slightly less dramatic version of this is chipping your tooth off a beer bottle, which surely every drunk person has done at some stage. Christmas is so far away and we have less of a front tooth than we are comfortable with. Stu's dental skills would come in handy about now.