News

Jeremy Clarkson Says He's Not Homophobic As He Enjoys 'Watching Lesbians On The Internet'

Jeremy Clarkson Says He's Not Homophobic As He Enjoys 'Watching Lesbians On The Internet'

If you were tasked with describing the existence of Jeremy Clarkson to, say, an alien, or someone else lucky enough to have hitherto been unaware of the existence of Jeremy Clarkson, you may pause for a second. You may pause, ponder and, after a second or two begin, 'Imagine if you will a sort of giant, nicotine-stained Pez dispenser that spends a lot of time in and around cars; a giant, nicotine-stained Pez dispenser that, instead of dispensing sweetened pellets from the giant weird opening in its face, expels offensive sound-bites that belittle minorities. That, that is the most apt description I can provide for Jeremy Clarkson.'

Despite having been repeatedly rebuked, and ultimately fired by the BBC for a slew of outlandish and offensive comments and actions over the years he worked there, those warnings have seemingly not chastened his insatiable desire to 'stir controversy'. He is perhaps the poster-boy for those who willfully conflate 'freedom of speech' with a non-existent right to 'spout offensive nonsense without reason or compassion'. Since Richard Hammond, James May and he reconfigured Top Gear as The Grand Tour on Amazon Prime some years ago they have continued to cover their audience in their unique brand of bile - an audience who pay for this privilege.

They most recently attracted ire for some comments made in an airing of their show which were perceived as offensive both to gay people and toward the very concept of comedy itself. In a segment where the three men, who between them must single-handedly be keeping the entire boot-cut jean industry afloat, gathered to test drive a jeep with a pink roof, James May suggested that it was "a very popular car with the gay community".

After this, the trio then went on to speculate what 'LGBT' stood for, with Clarkson asking, "What is it, lesbian, bacon, transgender".

Surely it is nothing but a a tragic indication of one elderly man's rapid mental decline that he is no longer able to distinguish between a 'sandwich' and a 'group of people'. Surely, this must be the moment where a producer comes over, wraps a towel around Jeremy Clarkson's confused and quivering shoulders and leads him away from the camera; leads away from the limelight, where he can live out his dotage free from the glare of having his increasingly errant ramblings, and evident inability to distinguish between food and people, subjected to such public dissection.

"What's that? Jeremy's confused the LGBT community with a BLT? Put the poor man in a home."

"What's that? Jeremy now mistakes all accountants for kebabs? Please, up his medication."

Advertisement

"What's that? Jeremy's no longer able to distinguish between a meatball sub and his own children? Pray pity his inexorable decline."

Unfortunately however, this was not the reaction of the producers and instead these comments were broadcast on The Grand Tour. They gained more widespread attention when the singer Will Young tweeted about the episode, berating the trio of presenters for their flaccid and homophobic attempts at jokes.

Advertisement

While his Tweets helped attract the censure of others and bring their outdated views into the public eye for further damnation, Clarkson responded in an entirely unsurprising, and deeply disheartening way in his weekend column in The Sun.

By way of an excuse to show that he himself could not be homophobic, he ceremoniously ended his article with the sentence, "I know I’m not homophobic as I very much enjoy watching lesbians on the internet."

Ah yes, what a wonderfully nuanced defence of his own actions. What a reasonable assertion of his own innocence that is. We should be thanking Jeremy for so clearly and eloquently removing any confusion that evidently came to exist surrounding this. He is not homophobic, how could he be? He enjoys watching lesbians on the internet, he is a true progressive. Jeremy Clarkson, porn-consumer. Jeremy Clarkson, modern man.

Also Read:

Hallelujah! You Can Now Easily Delete All Your Old Embarrassing Facebook Posts

Maroon 5 Performance Labelled As "The Fyre Festival of Half Time Shows"

CollegeTimes Staff
Article written by
We bring you the good times. If YOU’D like to be part of the CT team and write for one of the fastest growing student websites in the world, then email us: [email protected]

You may also like