Black Friday has gone from something in America that appears in insane Youtube compilations to an annual phenomenon that sees thousands of people taking to the High Street to buy up as much as they can. It can be a struggle coping with the insane crowds clamouring for bargain goods, but if you follow our survival guide, you'll make it in and out in one piece with all the stuff you need.
1. Turn up early
Beat the crowds by arriving that little bit earlier and queuing up. Sure it can be dull waiting in line in the wee hours of the morning but if you bring a buddy the time will fly.
2. Know what you want
Once the doors open you'll have no time to browse the shelves, so make sure you know what you want ahead of time and have a route planned to get to it before it's gone!
3. Bring a group
There's strength in numbers on Black Friday. Many hands mean that you'll have an easier time carrying the more bulky items to the til and more people means you can cover more ground in your fanatical blood-frenzy for bargains!.
Ones especially good trick is for your and your friends to form up into a wedge and force your way thought the crowds like a mighty phalanx of knights scouring the Holy Lands, Deus vult!
4. Grease yourself up real good
The crowds on Black Friday can be outrageous and you'll find many of the stores jam packed. To counter this strip down and make sure you grease yourself up good, real good. That way you can just slip and slick through the press of bodies, friction will be the concerns of the un-greased as you undulate through the crush, like a mighty, slime-coated lungfish.
5. Don't fall
If you fall you will be trampled and you will die and your brother will usurp your throne, remember in the Lion King when Mufasa was stampeded by all those wildebeest?
6. Don't be afraid to bite
People expect a little bloodshed on Black Friday, days named after colours usually have a bit of violence involved. So don't be afraid to bite your bargain-hunting competitors. Hands and forearms are the most exposed but you run the rust of receiving a retaliatory punch to the maw. Necks and faces are good too, but you're likely to be caught on CCTV. Play it safe and go low- try the calves.
7. Use olfactory deterrents
The crush of people is the worst part of Black Friday, so make yourself some room by not showering for several days before and maybe smearing yourself with something. The ensuing wave fug will allow you to move at your leisure through the shops as all around you recoil in horror and disgust.
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