We all have moments, singular, fleeting moments, during which something completely stupid and trivial happens, which results in our blood boiling faster than the kettle in your Granny's house. One stupid little moment can turn your mood from ravishing to raging. So here, in a bid to establish that I'm not the only with severe anger issues, are some moments that can make a person irrationally angry. Deep breaths...
1) Sleeping Through Your Alarm
Just five more minutes you think. Just another five, beautiful moments of brain resting sleep. Ahhh sleep. Until what seems like seven seconds later, you're jolted awake with a feeling of being late. It's been 35 minutes. You are very fucking late indeed.
2) Having No Decent, Clean Clothes
There's no better or surefire way to fuck up your day, then to discover that you have zero decent, for public sight, clothing. Oh there's loads of nightclubbing, slutty stuff alright but nothing that you'd really want your boss to see you wearing. Unless your boss likes glittery tits.
3) Discovering There's No Milk For Your Cereal
Every time this happens to me, I irrationally feel the urge to rip my housemates heads off, centimeter by centimeter. IF YOU USE THE LAST DROP RE-FUCKING-PLACE IT. Thanks.
4) Missing The Bus
So, after sleeping through your alarm, dressing as a drag queen in disguise and having no breakfast, you run for the bus, sweat protruding through the sequins, a sexy sight all round. Oh there goes the bus, I swear that bus driver is laughing at me, as he drives away at a leisurely pace. Must contain my rage.
The bus is packed, it's sweaty, the windows are dripping with condensation, the roads are packed. The bus driver feels that now is clearly the time to stop at every bus stop along the way, despite the fact that there appears to be nobody waiting to either get on or get off. You sit there, trying to plaster some make up on, a vain attempt at covering up the awful morning you've had, when, upon applying your eyeliner, the bus swerves. You manage to stab yourself in the eye and also draw a lovely line on your cheek. Great. Add some screaming, seat kicking children to the mix and you have yourself a very angry passenger indeed.
6) Getting Your Feet Wet
As is the norm with Irish weather, we can get all four seasons in one day. When you're leaving the house, the sun is shining brighter than Rihannas diamands. Better let the feet out in your summer sandles. Lovely. Until, four glorious hours later, it begins to piss down and now your feet are soggier than an eighty year old's boobs, This is not helping our irrational anger.
7) Being Stopped By Charity Poachers On The Street
"Hello there, how are you today, can I talk to you for a minute?" I really dislike being impolite to you Simon, but as you can probably see by my vein popping, red face, I am late, stressed and will, at some point today, probably want to stab someone and I don't really think it should be you.
8) Being Really Hungry And Getting A Shit Sandwich
It's finally lunch time. You've been looking forward to this all morning. The smell of sandwiches is incredible. Your stomach is rumbling. You finally get your sandwich. It taste like nothing. You've paid €5.95 to taste this nothingness. Remain calm...
9) Someone Standing On Your Foot (and not apologising.)
Oh, I'm so sorry did my foot get in the way of your day? Oh I do apologise. Please, forgive me and then resume being a twat for the day.
10) A Missed Call From A Private Number
Are you working for MI5?Are you part of the Witness Protection Program? No, you say. Well then my friend, why is your number on private? I doubt you're actually that important and must remain anonymous. No offence.
11) Stupid Spam Emails
Yay, an email has arrived. You feel so popular. "Who could this be?," you ponder. I'm going to butt in here and ruin your day. It's Lastminute.com, telling you about some more great getaways that you too can enjoy for just a months worth of wages. Thanks, no thanks.
12) Attention Seeking Facebook Statuses- Hope Y3R óK HUn
Women of the internet. Before you go ahead and post that cryptic status, that does nothing but provoke nosy viewers everywhere to go ahead and ask you what's wrong, just think about how much you're pissing me off. Which is a lot.
13) Your Mother
It's half six and you're not fully awake yet, but apparently your mother seems to think that now is the time to have a deep and meaningful conversation. It is not. I also do not want to hear the gossip about Mary's mother up the road, nor do I want to hear you shout at fellow drivers as you once again take a wrong turn.
14) Wearing Too Many Layers And Sweating Profusely
Being all sweaty and stressed is, in itself, enough to provoke anger but add a fear of sweat patches and smelling into the mix and it's enough to make you want to jump into the cold recesses of the nearest pond. Oh to be a duck...
15) Having A Low Phone Battery And No Charger
Nothing beats the self inflicted anger that you will feel, upon boarding a bus and discovering that your phone is nearly dead. Fantastic, a two hour bus journey without music or internet. How WILL we survive?
16) Spending Ages Making Dinner And Then Burning It
You've put your heart, soul and a large helping of salt into your dinner making prep, only to get distracted by something as trivial as a toilet break or your hot neighbour cutting the grass, which results in you burning the whole thing into a black and depressing mush. Toast it is.
17) Finally Getting Into The Shower And Finding There's No Hot Water
After a long day of trying not to verbally insult anyone, you step into the shower to wash away your rage. Until it returns, stronger than ever, with the discovery that all of the hot water is gone. Must.Not.Scream.
18) Tripping Over In Public (When Alone.)
You're strutting along, you're thinking you look the shiz, your head is held high, you trip, you stumble, you go bright red, you scuttle away in shame.
19) Meeting Someone You Don't Like
You know those days when you look, feel and sound like shit? The days you just want to plough through as fast as possible, so that you can retreat back to your bed and cry yourself into oblivion? These are the day's when you'll bump into people you have no wish to bump into. These are the days when you'll have to forge enthusiasm and small, awkward talk. I just hope for our sake it doesn't happen on a bus. There's no escaping there.
20) Being Too Hot Under The Duvet But Too Cold Without It
The ultimate first world problem. Especially relevant in the July/ August period, because in Ireland we don't get frequent, hot, sunny weather like they do on the continent. We get sticky, humid, heaviness. Also known as "shocking close" and all of which makes sleeping at night a bit of a pickle.
21) Not Being Able To Sleep Even Though You're Really Tired
Not being able to sleep when you're totally knackered is shit. So shit. Shitter than shit. Especially if you have to be up in five hours time, which is usually the case. Try counting sheep. Or, an even better one. Count all of the ways in which people piss you off. To infinity....