3 Step Guide - Things You're Doing Wrong With the Ladies...

Let’s face it, we would all love to be having more sex. When I say sex I do not mean riding a dirt bird after a night on the beer in some shit hole. There is nothing enjoyable about licking out a girl who has spent the last 5 hours dancing and working up a considerable amount of body odor. The only thing you will get from this sort of sexual misadventure is a hefty dose of shame, a story to tell the boys and a potential STI. Trust me; sex with someone you actually like is infinitely better than this. So you have the radiator on, candles lit and you've got a lad on you like Paul O'Connell's leg- but you’re missing something very important- the girl. Here is the definitive list to why you aren't getting more action.

1) You get too drunk

Okay, so we have all had nights where we may as well have not gone out. One of the main reasons we go out is to pull. Irish culture dictates that it would be weird if you didn't have at least a few drinks before a night on the town. Unfortunately, a lot of us (including myself) tend to over-do it more often than we would like. If you constantly find yourself outside the club at 3 in the morning hoping against hope that you will get the ride off a straggler then it might be time for you to rethink your game plan. If your advances are constantly being shot down on nights out it is probably because you are noticeably drunk. Let’s think about this for a second; you can’t dance for shit when you’re sober. What on earth makes you think you can dance after half a liter of Vodka? To quote Shakespeare regarding alcohol and sex: “It provokes the desire, but takes away the performance”. In an ideal world the answer would be simple. Don’t drink. But let’s be serious for a second; it’s not that simple.





Rudolph’s advice: Stay away from the spirits. Stick to the beer. If your confidence is lagging- get a red bull. Sugar and caffeine will give you a better buzz than a shot of cheap Tequila.

2) You don’t know how to talk to girls

So you have spotted the love of your life at the bar .You want to talk to her but you are nervous because you don’t have a breeze what to say.  It is relatively easy. Compliment her, but not in a sleazy way.  If you already know her; bring up a common interest. Gauge her body language. Is she uncomfortable? Does she actually want to talk to you? Don’t force the conversation. Be a gentleman. Getting bad vibes? Tell her it was great to see her, smile, and get the fuck out of there. Don’t over-do the compliments. You will look like a pervert. Relax. Stop putting the pussy on a pedestal. She is just a girl. She isn't a man eating monster.


Rudolph’s advice: Know your league. Be prepared to fail a couple of times. Be patient. Don’t be sleazy. Try to initiate conversation away from both sets of mates. Be confident; no one cares.

3) You’re looking for sex in the wrong places

Women aren't stupid.  In fact they are far from it. They are well clued in to men’s intentions on a night out. Join a club or society or something. If you get to know a girl then the will be far more likely to trust you, like you and in turn tickle your pickle. There is an old saying; “Do what you love and you’ll meet the person you love”. That’s a bit deep. However, there is a fundamental message worth heeding. Common interests are a massive talking point. That’s all you need. An ‘in’ so to speak. Unfortunately the rest is up to you.

Rudolph’s advice: You are far more likely to find a girl you actually like in this sort of setting. If you’re content with sporadically riding obese dungeon-wardens then disregard the above.


Rudolph Brotherton
Article written by
Rudolph is an under-achieving, morally defunct, self-professed ladies man. His hobbies include sex, pugs and rock ‘n’ roll. He makes Johnny Bravo look like Postman Pat. He is the real deal. The original Heartbreak Kid. Looking to improve your game with the ladies? Listen very carefully...
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