There are certain things about men that I've only figured out after being with one for a considerable amount of time. To say that they're an odd species would be a serious understatement. The phrase men are from Mars and women from Venus, only really sank in after about a year of being closely in contact with one on a regular basis. I sometimes think that we deserve a medal, no joke. Here is the shit that every girlfriend knows to be true;
1) Men Have Man Periods
FACT. Women get all the bad reputation for being moody and those moaning Micheal's get away scott free. It's just not on really, because half the time I'm convinced their womb is acting up too. Either that or it's just sympathy cramps. How very kind of them.
2) Towels Apparently Dry Really Well On The Floor
Who needs a drying rack/ clothes line when you have a floor, said every man ever. If my 60 year old father hasn't had this knocked out of him by my mother after 30 odd years, then there isn't really much hope of me achieving any results.
3) Perfect Tea Makes The Perfect Man
If he can make you a great cup of tea then the rest can be taught along the way. If, however, he's one of those sickos who puts the milk into the cup first then do yourself a favour and cut him loose now. Tea is no laughing matter, after all.
4) His Friends Bring Out His Idiot Side On A Whole New Level
One minute he's all loving and sensitive and shit, the next he's harping on about tits and hoes with the lads and you don't really know where to look. Simply whip out the last soppy message he sent you and the lads can join you in berating him for being a sellout. Winning.
5) Dominos Plus A Film Equals The Best Date Ever
At the start he tried to impress you by pulling out all the stops. Dinner in somewhere with actual place-mats, a great film, some inventive and interesting activities. Then he got you officially and considered pizza and tracksuit bottoms to be a big deal. Admit it though, you kind of like it.
6) Men Who Can Cook Are A Rare And Exotic Breed
If you have managed to land one of these, then hold on tight. Also, men who can actually cook like to do so all by themselves. Meaning we can sit back and get our latest tv fix. What's not to like?
7) Conflict Is Sometimes The Only Way To Communicate
Men are sometimes so blind to their surroundings that you'd practically have to wipe your tears on him for him to realise that you're upset. So failing that, a little shouting/ door slamming is bound to get his attention.
8) Men Don't Feel The Need To Share Plans
This is a very cleverly conducted plan about planning. It's always because they're planning something that they know is likely to infuriate you. For example; "I'm going out tonight with some girls from work", said as he's going out the door. Remain calm.
I feel as though this needs nothing more then that one word. Football has become the bane of my life. "Want to do something?" "Ok, once the match is over." IT'S A FUCKING BALL.
10) Having To Listen To Their Shit Music
Are you a fan of deep house techno, bass remix? I have no idea what I just said there, but it sounds like something that most grubby men would listen to, mine included. Also because they have a penis they seem to think that they're actually qualified DJ's too. Wrong. You are utterly shit so please put away the speakers.
11) Being Farted On
It takes a little while to actually get to this stage but once you do, there's no going back. Women apparently fart fairy dust and glitter. Men fart 75 times a day. Each with a growing sense of pride and worsening smell.
12) A Snoring Sleeper
You're just drifting off to the land of slumber. Drifting, drifting, drift...Oh wait, he's started to snore like a pig in heat and no matter how many times you hit him, he won't shut the fuck up. The same goes for the twitchers, talkers and sleepwalkers.
13) Being Poked Awake
You've finally fallen asleep beside sow man himself, when, about one hour later (or so it feels), you're woken up by what can only be described as a serious poke in the back. The morning glory is up and ready which means that you should be too, apparently. Swat it away.
14) They Never Really Stop Being Mammys Boys
You'll never, ever be the number one woman in his life, not as long as his mother is around. She's raised him, cared for him and loved him long before you ever came onto the scene, so the best thing you can do is try and get along with her.
15) Man Flu Is A Real Thing
Every girlfriend dreads hearing the words, "I don't feel too good." This generally means one thing, a serious and imminent onset of man flu. There is no known cure for man flu other than growing a pair and manning the fuck up. Preach.
16) Cover Control Is An Ongoing Battle
It's battle of the fiercest out there. In bed. If you frequently wake up at the edge of the bed, cold and shivering beside your warm, starfishing slumber partner, than you my friend, have long since lost this battle.
17) Letting Your Secrets Out
There's no better time for him to tell a few tales about your drunken state last week/ what a slob you are/ how much you spent on a pair of shoes last week, than in front of your family and friends. Perhaps he does it to fit in with the banter, but nine times out of ten he comes off looking like a massive bellend. Unless he's right in there with them all, in which case, expect many more abuse filled events.
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