The 8 Worst Things To Hear During A Break Up

There is no easy way to break up with someone. There are no tricks, there are no cheat codes or shortcuts that will make the ordeal any less painful for either individual. It's this terrible soul sucking thing that at some point or another we're all going to have to deal with (my EMOTIONS!), whether as the dumper or the dumpee. That being said, break ups, like most things, have a certain edict that accompany them; unwritten rules that one should follow and if you break any of those rules, you're unquestionably a complete dick. Here are the 8 worst things you can say to someone you're dumping and if you do say any of these things, you're a dick, just saying....

1) "It's not you, it's me."

Bull-fucking-shit. Don't you try lay that tired ass, worn down cliche dribble on me, cause it ain't gonna fly. What does that sentence even mean? I don't even know, I think you're just saying it because you saw it in a movie once and it 'sounded' like a nice way to break up with someone, it's not and you suck. Big time.

2) "I just need some space right now."

Hold the fuck up, do you honestly believing I'm going to let you half-ass this breakup? If you're going to break up with me, then you'd better just come out and say it. I don't want to hear shit about giving it 'some time' or the eternally comforting, "If it's meant to be, it's meant to be." *Scoffs so fucking hard*



3) "I never really loved you."

Gosh damn, I wanted you to be upfront about the split, I didn't ask for you to go all Mortal Combat on my ass and rip my heart straight outta my chest. I didn't need to hear that shit right now. Seriously, what's next? You gonna run up on some kids and tell them that Santa isn't real? Dick!

4) "There's someone else....."

Come again? No please repeat yourself right now, because I honestly must have heard you wrong. How the fuck can there be someone else involved when I was still in the picture? Are you like some kind of emotional multitasker, because if so, kudos on being a terrible person. Wanker.


5) "I'm emotionally unavailable."

I'm sorry but do you think you're Batman? Please quit that 'mysterious' shit. Don't try hide your dickish nature and outbursts of assholeitude behind the flimsy claim of emotional unavailability.

6) "You're just too good for me."

If I was too good for you, then why would you be breaking up with me? It doesn't add up, if you're telling me that your favorite food is Chinese food would you never have Chinese food ever again? Chinese food loved you, Chinese food spent the time listening to your bullshit stories about you and your stupid fucking friends. But now it hates you. Oh well.

7) "I can't commit to you right now."

Oh can you commit tomorrow, or can you commit next week? Please explain to me when a suitable time to commit would be. Committing is not easy and scary for most of us, but fucking man (or woman) up and take the leap you pussy.

8) "I'm just really busy right now, I'm not sure I have the time."

There are no words, how could you even say this to someone? You're a douche bruh. Just accept this fact and you can die a happy little loner.

Dafe Orugbo
Article written by
Dafe once went streaking in the middle of the day for the promise of a 4in1. He is in possession of a spectacular ass, and considers himself quite the suave "Motha-Fucka". He studies English and Law in Maynooth University, but rarely attends classes because he is; and I quote - "Too busy mackin them bishes". His love for appletini's is only outweighed by his love for appletini's. Be warned if you ever encounter Dafe in the real world, he will probably turn you to the darkside *whispers* black people...
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