W*nkers You're Bound To See At The Airport

Airports are the best place in the world for creeping. Unless you're at Knock airport, there won't be much to creep on there sadly. The rest of them though, are melting pots for people from all walks of life to congregate in the one place and agree on the fact that Ryanair a bunch of pricks. For whatever reason, Airports seem to bring out the very worst in people. The queues, the stress, the price of a bottle of water, the going away to Spain for a week drama, just so many first world problems. For all of you lucky ducks heading away sometime over the coming months, here are some of the wankers you're bound to spot at the airport on your travels. Safe Flight!

13) Angry Couples

Oh Jesus, say a little prayer that you won't end up in your assigned seat anywhere near (or God forbid, in between), these two wankers. Their skin practically gives out hate vibes and they make no secret of the fact that they're only here together because it'd be a sin to waste the flights. The awkwardness seems to seep around them, probably similar to the blood that is likely to be spilled two days into their 'romantic' break.

12) Loving Couples

There are worse in my opinion. Ok yes, we're all so happy that you've found love, now can you fuck off and stop licking ones anothers tonsils. Save it for the holiday.

11) Business People

These wankers will quite literally step on you,what with their massive ego and even more massive briefcase. You'll find them sitting in Starbucks, downing espressos and typing like their little lives depend on it. God forbid you bump into them and crease the grey suit that matches their grey personality.

10) Burger Shifters

 

It is 5.45 in the morning. You stumble towards the smell of coffee, in the vacant hope that it'll force your eyes open half an inch, when suddenly, what's that smell? It's Burger King. Why is Burger King open at this hour of the morning you ask? Because there are repulsive, rotten human beings in the world, people who think that eating a burger at this time of the morning is acceptable behavior. They need to be stopped.

9) People Who Smell

You know that you're going to be sitting in a very confined space and in a very close proximity to strangers, so why did you not think to shower/ apply some deodorant/ be a decent human being or all of the above and spare us all three terrible hours of wanting to gag.

8) Children In General

Ok so yes, we were all children once. But we were great children I reckon, not the terrors that are let on the loose today. Parents, please sedate your child and then put them on a leash. Too much to ask?

7) Hen Parties

Oh, so you're getting married are you? Oh that's ok so, it makes perfect sense for you to be wearing a flashing cock on your head and be screaming about the "mental" weekend you're going to have. Just hold out in the hope that they'll tire themselves out and pass out on the plane.

6) Stags

See the group of pasty, hairy stunnah's knocking back the pints at the bar? They are going to wreck everybody's head for the entire flight, but don't worry, they're "total legends" at the end of the day. "Let's go fucking mental!"

5)Duty Free Wankers

Dear people who insist on spraying 15 different types of perfume on yourselves in the Duty Free, before proceeding to sit beside me. Don't do that.

4) Angry Staff

If you ever have one of those days where you think that you hate your job, then you clearly haven't worked in an airport. Now those are people who really hate their job. You can see it in their eyes and the general sense of pure loating that they project towards everyone. Ahhh tough love.

3) Generation Geriatric

Old people and old ladies especially, have a sense of entitlement that must just come with old age. They seem to think that because they're old, they can skip a queue of 13 people and God help you if you tut at them. That walking cane will be out faster than the weighing scales at the gate.

2) Huge Bag Wankers

You've spent hours at home lying across your teeny, tiny suitcase, to ensure that you won't be charged €300 for an extra five kg. The huge bag wanker in front of you wasn't quite so considerate. Judging by the size of that thing, he has his whole family chilling inside. Then, when he's asked to try and fit it into that cage of death, he throws a spaz attack and holds the whole queue up for 15 minutes. YOU WANKER.

1) The Diva

This princess got up six hours before her flight to apply a fresh coat of fake tan, a set of eyelashes, clip in her extensions and buckle up the fourteen straps on her new sandles. Then, when said sandles plus the huge stack of bangles she has perched on her orange arm, set off the metal detector, she'll spend a fucking age removing everything and crying at how her look is ruined now. MOVE BITCH.