Hello, is that the Academy? Hi it's me again. I'm just wondering, ummm, about that Oscar. When are you gonna give it to Leo cause I'm about to lose my shit. You see, not only is he responsible for sexually awakening the majority of girls in the 90s, but he has taught the world what it takes to be an actor, and more importantly, what it takes to be a man.
1. He's Jack, God Damn, Dawson
Do you think Leo lay out in the middle of the Atlantic in sub-zero weather for the good of his health?? No. He was there, holding onto his word, never letting go of poor Rose, who subsequently let him go, so he could win that Oscar. But do you know what you did Academy?
2. ...You Didn't Even Nominate Him
Yep. That's right. You sadistic animals. The ultimate snub. You might be ok with this, Academy, but on behalf of all of Leo's fans. WE ARE NOT.
3. We Won't Rest
That's right. We, the fans, will not rest Academy, until we see Leo holding that fabulous golden accolade. Do you think we enjoy seeing him year upon year, doing what he does best, acting, while he sits in that seat and tries to make it look like he doesn't care? It's heartbreaking.
4. Speaking Of Heartbreaking
Remember that time he killed himself because he thought Claire Danes was dead? And then do you remember when you didn't nominate him? What does a guy have to do to get an Oscar around here?!
5. Some People Actually Think He Has One
Giving an award to a stellar actor who has proven time and time again how his acting is second to none? Ha, that's crazy talk. Can you imagine the shock and disbelief going through people's minds when they are hit with the horrendous realisation that the Oscar they thought Leo had possessed, didn't actually exist? Because, in case you didn't know, Leo doesn't have an Oscar.
6. Not Even For The Time He Cut His Hand And Soldiered On
That's right. Leo accidentally slammed his hand onto crystal in this scene in Django Unchained and, instead of getting medical assistance, he powered through like a PRO and smeared his blood all over lucky lady Kerri Washington, changing the script for the better.
7. Because He's So Talented
Maybe you should create a category for 'Best Dance', Academy? Maybe then you'd finally let him win something, eh?
8. He Taught Us How To Be Classy
Think of all the lessons we have learned from Leo's mistakes. If it wasn't for him asking Mrs. Brown how to use his cutlery, would any of us have known to work from the outside in? Would any of us be civilised human beings?? I highly doubt it. If it wasn't for Leo, I'd still be spitting from the economy deck.
9. He's The Kindest Soul You'll Ever Meet
In 2009, Leo, along with Kate Winslet, helped pay nursing home fees to the last survivor of Titanic so she wouldn't have to sell any of her momentos. What a gent.