11 Places To Bring The Pope When He Comes To Ireland

11 Places To Bring The Pope When He Comes To Ireland

Enda Kenny, the two-faced grease weasel that runs the country, has let it slip that Pope Francis will be visiting Ireland in August 2018. Obviously the government will bring pope Franky around all the major sights but there's more to Ireland than what's in the tourist guide.

Here are the real places pope Franky should be visiting.

1. Father Ted's house

The Craggy Island  parochial house is the bedrock of many Irish people's understanding of Catholic Church. Bringing the pope there would help him understand the state of faith in the Republic. Also he might pose for a picture with one of the Swiss Guard  lining up to kick him up the arse.


2. Mayo


How can Mayo lift the curse? After so many lost All Ireland finals perhaps it's time the people of Mayo resort to desperate measures. Surely a Pope will have the authority to trump a priest's curse? That, how it works, right?

3. Mass

For the pope, going to an Irish mass would be like when we watch The Simpsons in another language; we know what's going on but all words sound wrong apart from the catch phrase that you recognise.


4. Skellig Michael

The final scene of Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens was filmed on the former monastery and current desolate rock, Skellig Michael.


Because popes love Sci-f- wait, sorry, no; it's bishops who love Sci-Fi. Popes love historical fiction.

5. The good room 

Sure we have the good room all set up for you, pope. The good china's out, would you not come in for a cup of tea and some battenberg? We have place mats down and all!


6. Coppers

There is no higher concentration of Catholics in Dublin than inside Copper -Faced Jack's. The pope would be at home among the thronging mass of Gardaí and teachers who all know the Hail Mary in Irish off by heart and still (inexplicably) have their pioneer medals.


On top of that; with his sexy papal frock on he's sure to get the shift.

7. The George

After Copper's Franky could be ushered to The George before doors close. In there he can experience the culture that he and his church officially and openly condemn as though they were a lower class of people. Isn't it mad that an institution with the level of influence the Catholic Church has openly condemns an entire minority?

On top of that; with his sexy papal frock he's sure to get the shift.


8. Your granny's gaff


Your wee granny is as pious as she is racist, it'd make her day and maybe even her whole life if she could meet the pope before she dies. Pope Franky can have a wee aul natter and a cup of tea with the dear, and maybe even forgive her for all those things she said about brown people.

On top of that; with his sexy papal frock on he's sure to get the shift.

9. Tayto Park

It has been scientifically proven that Tayto crisps are the most Catholic of all crisps (King are the most Protestant, and Pringles are Scientologists). The pope would have a wonderful day on the Cú  Chulainn Coaster, The Rotator, and The Tayto Skywalk.


10. The Zoo


Let's see if he can convert the gibbons away from paganism!

11. National Women's Council Of Ireland

Here the pope can talk to respected feminist activists and scholars, and explain why his church insists on controlling and limiting their rights. He can look these people in the eye and tell them why he knows what's best for their bodies. He can get all the kudos he deserves for deigning to allow priests to forgive women for having abortions.

On top of that; with his sexy papal frock on he's sure to get the shift.


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Kyle Mulholland

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