The 11 Stages Of Getting Extremely Drunk

It's the most wonderful time of the year. It's the hap-happiest season of all. College is back. It's time to go ruin yourself. So let's all raise a glass to being drunk guys, we've earned this. Here it is in 11 stages:

1) Happy: *Sipping on your first drink, eyes rolling back in your head with joy.* I am sooooo pumped, tonight is going to be sooo fun. I am on fleek.

2) Loveable: I just love my friends so much. They are literally the best humans to have ever been created. They are wonderful unicorns.

3) Self-ful : But wait, LET ME TAKE A SELFIE.


4) Stressed: The fucking taxi is here, I have 1/4 of a naggin left. FML, okay, closed eyes, pinched nose and down the vodka goes.

5) Fierce: Omg the tunes in here are hunreal. My friends are hunreal. I am hunreal. I just can't stop dancing, I'm so good at it. Why have I never noticed this?

6) Horny: So. Many. Attractive. People. *Runs into the bathroom to apply three more inches of make-up.* Come on boobs, look pert. Would it be weird if I did a few squats to get the buns up? Fuck it. I am a goddess. I don't need that shit.


7) Thirsty: I can drink a scandalous amount of alcohol, that naggin and two shots haven’t even hit me yet. Can I get three vodkas and a splash? I’ll give one to my bestie cos I can’t be greedy and drink all three.

8) Extroverted: “Hey, hey Micheal, you remember me? We were in the same tutorial two years ago, omg I’ve missed you so much.” “Hey Saaalllly”...*Sally doesn’t hear you or doesn’t want to hear you*...”It’s cool gurl, I’ll catch you later.”

9) Deep: You and your pal went to the bathroom to put on some lippy, next thing you know forty-five minutes have passed and you’re discussing the likelihood of sharing the same soul...

10) Accepting: You have spent the better part of the night downing shots and proclaiming your love for just about everyone in the room. The chance of getting the ride decreases by ten percent every half hour. The only thing that remains 100% right now is how ratchet you look.

11) Chips: The most important stage of the night. You haven’t eaten since two in the day because you wanted to look smoking, now you need garlic cheese chips, a burger, maybe half a pizza and a milkshake, followed by a dirty cigarette. Thank you everyone and good night.

Hannah Kingston

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